Dear Teacher

Thursday Anita and I participated in the “no cry challenge,” it’s a series of 19 videos on YouTube that are “guaranteed” to make you cry- nuh uh honey. We were both dry eyed and annoyed that these sad-ass videos took up 2 hours of our lives. I should have just bit the bullet and cried off the first one so I could have done something productive with my life, or watched The Price is Right. It’s a toss-up really. After a quick bathroom break I returned to find a Klondike bar and Emily present at my desk, it was like Christmas without Sangria.

IT visited me unexpectedly but in person this time, was obviously not prepared again. This time I got comments on the post-it notes that I have everywhere containing scholarly questions (you can only see them if you’re behind my desk) one says, “Why don’t we drink pigs milk.” She told me she was lactose intolerant and can’t eat any cheese- poor girl. I hope she finds happiness somewhere else because cheese is the shit. I was not assigned any tasks this day, which is getting old. I used this time to look up awkward Jeopardy moments (which there happen to be a ton of), do some research about Norway, and sharpen up my Checkers skills.

Since Thursday was September 11th, we did a service project for a local organization called the Harvesters- the community food network. We made enough “BackSnacks” to help 795 children eat for the weekend. My roll was adding Corn Flakes and doing quality control. What that actually means is I counted to thirteen, 397 times (I had a side-kick) and three-pointed Corn Flakes into a ton of clear bags. We also wrote post-cards to soldiers who were currently serving, it was a nice experience.

Friday I awoke to the sound of Emily singing the AmeriCorps pledge in an Opera remix style. I then went to get tea and met a lady who kept yelling, “Ooooo it’s gon rain, its gon rain. I hope it washes the bird bombs off Beatrice.” Beatrice was apparently a car and not a child, which is unfortunate and fortunate at the same time. After going to the van and determining I had on the wrong color pants, I threw my lunch on the side of the parking lot and ran to change. Turns out I had forgotten my room key and ran back outside just in time to see a white truck almost annihilate my lunch- miss me with the bullshit puh-lease. Eventually I got my life together and made it into work with myself and my lunch intact- minus the minor tea stains on my pants. Sometimes that’s all you can hope for, especially on a Friday. John wasn’t so lucky, he drank coffee and had to B line to the little boys room. Probably a much closer call than he led me to believe.

Today is the 20th anniversary of the AmeriCorps program and we as an organization were honored by Present Barack Obama and former President Bill Clinton. There was an event held on the White House lawn where they and three irreverent people spoke about how much good we are doing for America. Sondra got to shake hands with both Obama and Clinton- I tried to convince her throwing up on either of them would be the way to go because who do you know whose ever done that? NO ONE. Everyone who attended the event also got a free t-shirt as if meeting the President wasn’t enough. I love me a free t-shirt, things could get weird but as long as I have a shirt to show for it- it’s cool. Dwight said he would and I quote, “Shit down his leg if he ever seen Obama.” I hope we get to meet him too one day- can’t wait to see Dwight lose control of all bodily functions and meet Obama with dookie all over himself. Obamas speech it made me want to do some serious work for the rest of the day, but then we went to a party and everyone ate cake. Work went down the drain very fast.

Friday night some of us went to see As Above, So Below followed by drinks (obviously). At one point I seen a bunny and decided it would be a good idea to follow it and run back to the hotel. I don’t know why I do this but it’s always a good idea in the moment.

Saturday morning consisted of a trip to the doctor where two people fell up the stairs. I then went on a hunt to find jeans for less than $40 cuz y’all know I’m ballin’ on a budget in this program. It was the first time I had been in a store without a produce section in a long time. I made the mistake of going into the GAP, who knew that this store was for rich folk. It’s like someone’s middle finger was poking my sore spot, even their sale items were over $40. I gave up on the hunt and went on a long walk instead. It’s a cool experience when you’re going nowhere in particular and never find yourself lost. However, I did think that I was never going to make it back home- I went much further away than I thought.

Sunday my teammates and I went to an Art Gallery by our hotel. There were a lot of baby dicks and portraits of old white men. Two things I do not like. At one point I had a laugh attack- do you know how hard it is to control a laugh and not offend people in an art gallery? Hardest thing I did all week. Eventually I gained my composure and was accepted by my group again. I spent the evening roaming around Kansas City making friends and seeing Guardians of the Galaxy. I also may have sold myself- we’ll see in 10 months.

After hitting the snooze button a few times, I greeted Monday morning with a big FU and rolled outta bed. In an attempt to sufficiently “get things done for America” I loaded my tea up with arguably more creamer than water and set off into the world. Monday mornings around the office are quiet, everyone either comes in at 9 or not at all. I don’t know why I was surprised; I must have forgotten where I was. The only task Anita and I were assigned to complete today was to wipe little dry-erase plaques clean. Took all of an hour but I convinced my supervisor it was more than okay and that we could entertain ourselves. I chose to amuse myself with The Price is Right, research about pandas, and more flip-books. My garbage can has disappeared; I don’t think the custodian appreciated where I published my last flip book, so as punishment he took away my trash privileges. Now my only option is to display them on the walls. I have a feeling my trashcan will reappear soon.

I ate Gaugin’s amazing tuna salad for lunch and it made my whole office smell. After receiving some interesting looks as people walked through, I starting pointing to Anita (secretly) so I’m sorry to her for that. We’ve been having some forced quality time and I’ve started to notice things about her. For one, she makes tons of phone calls so I’ve started a tally of how many times she says “um” while on them, she ended the day with 35. She also hums a lot, her favorite of the five senses is taste (I thought it was touch), and she talks to herself. She also informed me that today is Mooncake Day which is a Chinese Holiday. Her, her family, and the rest of China indulge in mooncakes, drink tea, and look at the full moon. It’s also called the Mid-Autumn festival, look it up and educate yoself.

I purchased a gym membership that was two weeks’ salary (not a joke and it’s not an expensive gym) – this means for 14 days I will be forced to sneak alcohol into bars and/or put some effort into my appearance when I go out. Kanye was obviously not talking about me when he said that white people get money don’t spend it- I’d much rather buy 80 gold chains and go ign’ant too Mr. West. Word on the street is that the first mile is the hardest when running, I call bullshit. From the second I start running the only thing that consumes my mind is when the fuck I can stop and the phrase, “my body is my machine.”

Ate fish for dinner, still not sure how I feel about it.

Tuesday surprised me with a shiny new trash can, whatchu know ‘bout that. Sandra 1 – Government 983 million. Feels good to win one for the team- you’re welcome. I also discovered that they sell Klondike Bars here for only 75 cents, what a #blessing. The list of things I would now do for one has been narrowed down to just one thing: pay 75 cents. The excitement from this discovery was quickly shattered when Anita and I were told we had to take rosters and manually put them into spreadsheets. The database spits one out (probably) in less than two-minutes, but we both smiled and put our feet to the pavement. I tried to prank call Anita’s desk phone but apparently there’s caller ID. The government obviously doesn’t believe in fun.

Are you aware that the first stall in the restroom is usually the cleanest? According to Anita that is, but she spends a lot of time in there so I’ll take her word for it. I found the need to share this with a random after she finished dropping the kids off at the pool, or for all intents and purposes: takin’ a crap. I figured I had already made her feel uncomfortable enough, so I opted out of giving her a high five for getting paid to dispose of her waste- which is the best. It’s also funny when people are pooping and as you walk in they all of the sudden become silent. I see your heals honey, I know you’re in here; go on wit cho bidness please.

Tuesdays we are required to do at least 45 minutes of PT (physical training) so I chose to do blogilates. I had to quit after the warm up, the instructor came at me wearing heals and a full face of makeup. With every move she also make sexual moaning sounds, pretty sure men can use this video for other purposes- John has started doing it with his shirt off. A text came across the screen at one point telling me to “think like a Pussycat Doll” nah bitch, bye. I’m strictly going to the gym from now on, no heals are allowed there.

Wednesday I woke up late, got to the van late, and was forced to sit in the back seat. The back is a dreaded place because as you bounce around for the 15 minute drive, you not only have to focus on not vomiting but also on not spilling your hot bev. It makes monitoring the morning social media updates difficult and I often “like” shit that I shouldn’t be “liking” and that’s always awkward. This morning I got an email from my mother telling me to check-out her new theme song- it was Alicia Keys. That was unexpected. I was hoping for some OutKast or 50 cent- It would really surprise people if she walked into a place with “Candy Shop” playing.

I had to call Support Services to hook up a printer to my computer which I did not properly prepare for. Next thing I knew, an old fella located in Texas had full visibility and control over my PC. I quickly asked if he could really see all of my windows/ background/ sticky notes (computer version) that I had up, he said, “Sure can my dear.” Instantly I started laughing and warned him I had been jotting down rap lyrics and that I didn’t expect him to actually be able to see anything. Some of the visible ones on the main screen included, “I’m not going to drink his daycare; you’re a fake fuck like a flesh-light; my best birth control is leaving the lights on (RIP Joan Rivers); and you’re stuck on stupid.” I did have an amazing game of solitaire up that he complimented me on, kinda proud of that I guess. He has a dog and I’m an aspiring dog owner so it all worked out in the end.

Anita ran into the office shortly after this looking very distressed and yelling, “Someone used my first stall AND they clogged it!” She sat in silence for a few minutes; I didn’t know if I should have hugged her or left the room. She and I had our first Blackberry one-on-one training session with a man who claims to be religious, adores Blues music, and is on match.com but really loves his wife. This is a confusing world. There was no reason both of us were doing the training and no reason it lasted 2 hours. This nice gentleman has had his phone since July and didn’t know how to dial numbers or send a text message. He said he was team iPhone which I guess is respectable. I dropped mine out of the van face down onto concrete today. Made me re-think religion for a second when I picked it up without any cracks or chips. Not everyone is meant for this naked phone life- I think I’m pretty good at it.

Friday night started off at Harpos like they usually do, but this time everyone came out. This is a rare occurrence because a lot of my teammates suffer from crippling Netflix addictions- sad really. We played the drinking game 15 in which 10 fingers also became involved. I may have learned way too much about these fools, not going to be sharing drink’s with everyone anymore to say the least. There was a man outside running into art tents with his head, he was fun.

Saturday I woke up quick, at about noon and headed to an Art Fair in West Port. I realized a quarter way thru my journey that I had forgotten my headphones, in my bones I knew this walk would get weird. Alas, I came across an old man who was stopped along the sidewalk wearing knee high socks and sandals- great style choice. He looked at me and said, “You have beautiful eyes.” I had just watched House Bunny so I quickly replied, “The eyes are the nipples of the face!” Thank God he didn’t go into cardiac arrest because he turned a ghostly white and took a step back. I didn’t know what else to do but apologize and speed walk away. I hope he’s doing okay somewhere out there.

I don’t fully understand why white people like bearded men and horses so much but the Art Fair had both of those things, I was happy. It was also refreshing to be around a mass amount of hipsters who all think they’re individuals. However, I was confused as to why visors were a prominent accessory; it’s only okay if you’re golfing or over 50. No one had either of those excuses working in their favor. Art Fairs are awesome because if you meet an artist, 8 times out of 10 they’re emotionally unavailable, my favorite. Met a bearded artist named Kale, he likes Spider-Man and marbles- end of list. We’re soul mates. 

Gaugin and John were in West Port too watching the Penn state game, so I met up with them and indulged in a little day drinking- arguably the best kind of drinking. A little girl ran thru my legs in order to get into the bathroom. I’m pretty sure she was about to crap all over her frilly pink dress, glad she made it, it looked expensive. Everyone was in for the night around 9 so I went venturing out by myself. I made the mistake of wandering by a fountain which is apparently where all the underage kids hang out on Saturday nights. There’s no roller rink around here so they work with what they’ve got I guess. I almost had to violate a bush due to the consumption of Mexican food that was too spicy. I’m adding both of these events to the list of things I hope to never do or almost never do again.

Sunday the only things of importance that happened were that I ate Chipotle, fell down the stairs again, and Serena Williams won her 18th title. I was hype.

Here’s to another week of important government work!

This work week although short- made me want many beers and banana nut muffins. Which cannot happen because I’m trying to “get it right, get it tight,” as Bubba Sparkxxx so eloquently put.

Tuesday started off on an interesting note as the van was lit up with Taylor Swift remixes while being chauffeured to work. I got assigned to the training department in the office, so for the next 20 weeks I get to teach government employees (who are making huge decisions about our countries welfare) how to use basic technological equipment. This includes but is not limited to: blackberries (that they’ve already had for months), iPads, computers, all Microsoft office products, and facilitate other workshops as needed and/or request by employees. I do, however, get to create video content for said trainings and produce a larger documentary about the ways in which the departments work in the Regional Office. Really getting things done for America with this one folks. Before I can get to any of that, there is a bunch of data input that Anita and I have to put into the system. We are taking sign in sheets from past presentations, and giving employees
credit for staying awake. It’s not so bad, except for the fact that I’ve met Kindergarteners with better penmanship than most of these blokes. It’s like trying to do a crossword puzzle after you spilled Irish coffee on it -I don’t know how these people function in society. With every Daniel whose name is actually Fredrick, I’m tempted to deny the mass majority credit and attach a sticky note telling them to pick up a jump-start book from the toddler section at Toys ‘R’ Us. This is layover work from a division whose job it is to do this, but for some reason couldn’t find time to do in the past 3 months. Ron Swanson would be thrilled by all of the governmental work that is not being done in a timely manner, or even at all. There was a full blown baby shower thrown today in the break room by my desk for almost two hours. Two-fucking-hours of hearing women laughing and crying from all of the wonderful games, presents, stories, and punch that was being consumed by their vicious bodies.

Back to the fun stuff- I have unlimited access to a vast wonderland of office supplies. I’m talking highlighters, pencils, pens, note pads, sticky notes, tape, weird shaped objects with sticks on them, staplers, you name it- they’ve got it people. It’s amazing really, I find myself wandering there multiple times a day just to spin around in circles and contemplate the possibilities of it all.

My desk is essentially a 180 degree granite countertop conveniently placed next to a sliding door that opens to reveal a large flat screen television- really hit the jackpot with that one. On this day I watched a Cops marathon and The Price is Right, which I plan on doing like clockwork. Although, Drew Carey is no comparison to Bob Barker, talk about a downgrade.

My poison oak has successfully spread to every area of my body besides my feet and nah-nah zone (thank god). So, I got taken to the doctor again. Yes, taken to the doctor. Every time I go I have to be accompanied by John (my TL) for what reason I’m not sure- but I’m sure there’s a one. This time I got two shots in the love-handle and another prescription. Which leaves me to wonder at what age do they stop going for the arm or booty? I feel like they just pick somewhere on you that they want to get a peek at and go for it. As long as this shit leaves- I guess they can poke me anywhere…

Thursday was Beyoncé aka Queen B aka Sasha Fierce aka Mrs. Knowles-Carter’s birthday- so you know I woke up extra flawless this day. I tried to play the “ I can’t work today it’s Beyonces birthday, which should be a national holiday” card but the Federal Government don’t play that shit- whata shame. One day though- it just may be. All mail will cease, Walmart’s will close, and the streets will rejoice with men in stilettos workin’ it better than anyone ever knew they could, it will be great.

The air conditioning wasn’t working- by lunch I knew when someone was about to walk thru the door because I could faintly smell them coming. This was surprisingly beneficial because it gave me just enough time to turn my chair so it wasn’t obvious I was watching I didn’t know I was pregnant, while working. That show is so ridiculous. Equally as ridiculous is when someone has their own picture on their phone case. You’re telling me you paid a ton of money to look at yourself, when you could have just purchased a pocket mirror at your local CVS? Why not a burrito, waterfall, orangutan, Kim Kardashians infamous crying face, your child, or literally anything else on the planet? It just isn’t cute- please spare society and just stop. End of rant.

In order for our computers to work, our ID needs to be inserted into the side of them. To get anywhere in the building, we need our ID to open the doors. This is a very problematic issue in my life. I often find myself locked out and praying for Anita to hear my cries as she jams out with her headphones on, listening to god knows what. I took the measure of putting a reminder sign on the door- so far so good.

P.S.- John Shughart farted while doing blogilates with Anita and Jeanean and he doesn’t want you to know about it.

Today is apparently “Red Friday” which means that on Sunday there’s a Chiefs game. There were people, at 7:30 a.m., running up and down the street with flags, turnt the fuck up. They also chose 50 fountains to turn “red” but it very much looks of a Pepto-Bismol pink. It did look significantly darker on the ride home though- props for that.

Anita and I have since finished all of the data input so we really did nothing of significance today. I watched The Price is Right though you best believe. A little bit of CSI, watched some music videos, wrote some press releases, looked up places I can run away to, built a flip book then ripped every page off and stuck it to the outside of the garbage can. Doing big thangs for the government today- starting to fit in with everyone else around here. I think that the hardest working person in the building is the custodian. I’ve never seen him not cleaning- he stays strapped with a vacuum that he wears like a leaf-blower at all times.

Alex set the fire alarm off while cooking some bomb-ass pasta for dinner.

Stay Flawless my friends, it’s the weekend 😏

We packed up our van with enough bags and bodies to successfully run a carnival and set off to Kansas City. Half way thru visually unstimulating Arkansas, we got a call that we need to stop at a hotel for the night because our housing was not secured for our arrival. This is where being FEMA Flexible comes in. We pulled off in Joplin for the night where we found ourselves in a hotel that had mirrors lining the walls of the room. Needless to say, I used all of my own bedding that night.

The next morning we all found it to be a good idea to partake in a KFC Buffet for lunch. Why we decided this I will never know, but I hope to never do it again. You get to stuff your face with all of the KFC you can imagine, plus you get a large beverage for $7. Everyone in the establishment was well over-weight and I didn’t know wither to run away or ask for more tater tots. I did what I’m sure all of you would do and ate way too much followed by praying that in an hour my stomach wouldn’t decide to protest. It didn’t- thank heavens. Since we still didn’t have housing at this point, we set our GPS to take us to our work location in Kansas City. Random fact about KC: It has over 200 fountains. Why any place needs over 12 I’m not sure, but apparently it brings in tourists. I find this very hard to believe, call me crazy but I think it just promotes their homeless population to take more baths, which is a win-win.

We are staying in an Extended Stay located on Main Street which is right in the middle of the city. It’s amazing. There is an area called West Port half a mile away with bars, young people, coffee shops, and great food. There is a huge shopping area the other direction with tons of stores including H&M, Forever 21, The North Face and some other pointless stores that my team is apparently super excited about. I don’t understand why though, we’re ballin’ on that petty FEMA budget. What I’m most excited about is there’s a Chipolte! If you know me at all you know I will do some weird things for Qdoba- although Chipotle is no comparison, it’s nice to have some burritos back in my life. Two miles away is the downtown area which is actually a lot less cool than it sounds- if it sounds cool at all.

Thursday was our first day at the Regional FEMA office here in KC. We went there for an hour then we were told we could have off until Tuesday. I almost cried then I asked for a group hug- which happened. I regretted it as soon as people were into it. I spent the next three days walking around and exploring the city. I’ll tell y’all about that later. We are already regulars at a bar called Harpos, my roommates who don’t go out find it to be a problem- I think it’s an honor.

And now we are at today- which is Labor Day. One of my favorite holidays because at Harsens Island it’s the Turkey Shoot. Since most of you haven’t really lived life yet, the Turkey Shoot is where you can throw candy at children, drink lots of beer, go on a boat, shoot a gun or two (which I’ve never actually done), put cars in ditches, and crash random parties with no consequences. It’s a grand ol’ time. Yet, here I am sitting under a tree watching people protest about women’s birthing rights. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lovely cause and these people are very nice but god damn I just want to be drunk on a boat.

Tomorrow starts my first “official” day of work so here’s to being a boss…

First, I’d like to apologize from the bottom of my cattywampus heart about the delay of this blog. I know y’all have been on pins and needles waiting on the release of this pertinent information about my ever exciting life. It’s been quite the month and I do have a lot to share but let’s face it, I don’t remember everything that has happened over the past month (not only because of alcohol but also because I’m human) the point being, this is going to a very fast overview of random occurrences that I remember, or for some reason find to be important. Future posts will be filled with copious amounts of useless information that I hope you’ll love, so get ready.

The beginning of my journey started with a 12 hour car ride, accompanied by my father, in which we ate subway and watched Trailer Park boys- engaging in little to no conversation, but why break tradition? Around 7 p.m. we landed in a very nice hotel that conveniently had a shuttle to the airport in the a.m.- props for that dad. Morning came and I drove Wilson (my car) an hour west to Vicksburg, Mississippi. Now, Vicksburg is a quaint little place with a Walmart, 3 bars, and one mall that really isn’t even a mall. It’s the kind of mall you go to when there is an hour left before Christmas and your ass didn’t get your mother-in-law a gift, or so I’ve heard. I rolled up to campus to find no one. I swore I was in the wrong place. I expected hundreds of smiley annoying 20-something year olds to be lining the road waving and cheering as I pulled up- but I got none of that. After parking my car and wandering into a building that looked like it should have been on the cover of a political magazine, I found the faces I was looking for (a lot less annoying and bubbly than I imagined and I was thrilled) and got my room key, sleeping bag, mess kit, then headed to my dorm.

The next two-three weeks were survival of the fittest. We had awesome (pointless) training sessions, ate wonderful (disgusting) catered food, learned how to drive 15 passenger vans, went thru sex education (a real banana was used), started having to wear our uniforms, and had the dreaded drug test. I passed and succeeded with flying colors- yes mother, even the drug test.

But let’s back up- every morning before we start a day of training we line up in rows- by team- in uniform. A little man with a megaphone yells “Gulf” in which we reply back in a yelling fashion “Ready to serve!” and then the 175 of us repeat the pledge. It is very militaristic and makes me question what the hell I’m doing with my life. There’s so much singing and fist pumping and smiling involved so early on- it’s hard for me to be even the slightest but amused. Especially since I don’t drink coffee and hate everything about being up before 7 a.m.

I should probably also explain that our campus is broken up into 3 Units. Summit, Bayou, and Gulf. Each Unit is then broken up into 5-7 teams. The teams correlate with what role you and your team are. I am Gulf Team 5- which is a Field Recovery Task Force Team where I am an External Affairs Reports Specialist. It really means nothing but damn will it look good on paper.

We are going to skip to week 4, please forgive me. This week we went to Oxford, Mississippi, to participate in a ropes course that was supposed to help initiate team bonding. There was zip-lining, trust falls, balance exercises, wall and pole climbing. I did a lot of praying this day and I don’t really pray. All of the harnesses we wore were met by a skinny little guy at the end. I had no faith in them that when I free fell to the ground, they would be able to hold me weight. But here I am, so apparently I’m just an asshole. I speculate that it is around this time that I got the poison oak I am STILL trying to get rid of. Shit is terrible.

Week 5 greeted us with FEMA Academy. This is essentially what we had been waiting for since week 1. Here is where we received all of the training we would be using for our specific job and role for the rest of the program. Since I am the only EA person on my team, I was able to train with people from other teams and campuses. I was thrilled to be away from my group because I will now be living/ eating/ shitting/ crying/ breathing/ drinking with them for 10 months- so it was good to have a week away from them. This is some extreme Real World shit without the cameras. It’s going to get weird, wild, and hopefully awkward and I’m going to tell you all of it.

The people on my team are:

John: He is the team leader. He’s from Orlando, Florida. He went to FSU and wears a lot of collared shirts.

Dwight: From Capital Heights, Maryland. Always smells good. Has a boo-thang from Nigeria that I can’t wait to talk to.

Gaugin: From Philly and won’t ever let you forget it. Like’s to drink, which I appreciate.

Anita: Grew up in Rhode Island, went to school in New York. Tells people she’s from New York so I don’t know what to take from that.

Jeanean: From California. She once got a brick for a Christmas present, there was $15 taped to it.

Alex: From Up-State New York. She just got engaged and has only been to NYC twice which I don’t understand.

Emily: From Virginia but lived in Hawaii for the past year. She likes to buy a lot of striped sweaters and loves Tumblr. Also been a vegetarian for 15 years.

Karen: She left the program. RIP. She was legit. Moral of the story- always lie to the government about drugs.

We completed FEMA academy and graduated on Friday the 22nd in which we celebrated by going out like we always do.

Random things you should know:

1. I no longer drink pop. Even though there may or may not be one in front of me right now.

2. Each person is allotted $4.75 for food on any given day. Together as a team that is $299.25. We use that to eat for the week- breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We usually eat sandwiches for lunch and cook dinner together as a team. (It’s not as bad as it sounds)

3. As a team we are given $15 a week for laundry- its $2 a load. Not sure how that one is going to work.

4. I went to New Orleans. I truly do not know how anyone can live there or even be there for more than 4 days. You literally have to change the way you function as a human being even for the weekend. We stayed at a really awesome hostel in which I hope to return to.

5. I have lots of friends because I’m sure you were wondering.

6. Everyone in the program got shiny new laptops and blackberry’s. Thank you for your taxes people.

7. You as readers need to be aware that FEMA does whatever the fuck they want- when they want. We as Corps members are supposed to be okay with it and there is even a term for it- “FEMA Flexible”, buncha shit. It’s pretty much just a safety net so they can do crazy things and we’re obligated to be super happy about it- most of the time I don’t care, but sometimes it’s a pain in the ass.