Dear Teacher

Let Me Reintroduce Myself

Posted on October 6, 2018 by sanddprints

Life update: I’m a teacher now- why? how? still unsure.

Disclaimer: For legal and financial reasons I’ve chosen to (have to) keep this blog anonymous (school/ kids/ food in the lunch room) so that none of you try to sue me for all that I have, aka a nice couch and a lot of thrift store clothing. With that being said, let me reintroduce myself:

For the past seven years I’ve been working within the TV/ Film production world producing, editing and doing camera work. During that time I started my own Digital Marketing company, wrote the wrong person’s name on my heart a few times, traveled the world, joined a roller derby team, gained an extra chin, shaved my head twice, worked in the music industry, obtained two degrees, became softer (emotionally and physically) and discovered I’m a really good drinker. Since turning 26 I’ve learned the EXTREME importance of having a job that provides health insurance which is ultimately what led me to accept a teaching position. During my time I college I was a High School tennis coach and a TA for upper level production and film theory courses but even then, I never considered teaching. The new “ultimate” goal of this blog is to document what it’s actually like being a teacher but it might also (most likely) just end up being about my life so one day my nieces think I’m cool.

P.S. – Since teaching HARDLY pays the bills, I still actively maintain my own business and work for a local cable channel.

What I’ve learned so far

The moment you show an ounce of weakness these kids will EAT YOU ALIVE
Everyone prays to Fortnite
If you wear the same pants two days in a row EVERYONE NOTICES
Kids don’t want to be yelled at – find other ways and you’ll gain their respect
#4 needs to be taken lightly, I still have to yell a lot
Shake kids hands when you talk to them one-on-one, it makes them feel important and the world needs them to feel that
Laugh at kids when they do something funny, it’ll be ok

To Be Noted

During the second week of school there was a squirrel who would make daily appearances in my classroom to eat my snacks and scare children- he has been caught
My best “work friend” is the janitor and my room is always the cleanest
My second best “work friend” are the ladies in the cafeteria, I’m never hungry

A “Normal” School Day

Another Disclaimer: My class schedule changes daily except for my first two classes. I teach technology.

7:40 am- Run into school 10 minutes late (always) while trying my best not to knock over the 5-7 morning latchkey kids who wait outside my classroom door eager to give me hugs, take my breakfast and remind me that I am late.

7:45 am- Walk each of those 5-7 kids to their classrooms convincing them they cannot “hang out” in my room all day and play fortnite.

7:55 am- Pace the hallway outside my classroom telling everyone to walk and to have a good day. Most of them try not to smile, but I know they want to.

8:25 am- My first class of the day arrives which is always kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN. Twenty-three little people get dropped off to my room and we start the class with deep breathing and self-affirmations, usually it’s “I am important!” or “today will be a good day!” but I switch it up depending on their moods. This is always followed by a quick dance party then it’s onto the computers to try to type the alphabet- we’re almost there.

9:25 am- Eighth graders arrive at my door and I am reminded that this job is hard. I usually spend the first 5-10 minutes of class separating students who are arguing/ yelling/ crying or SUPER angry for one reason or another while making sure the others are doing their daily class routine (ie. Google Classroom questions and TypingClub). The first 20 minutes of my upper classes are always “Code Red” (silent work) but they test that daily, which is fine. By 9:40 they realize they fucked up the first 10 minutes and make up for it the second 10. After this it’s always smooth sailing.

10:30 am- A fifth grade class arrives with attitudes that can hardly fit thru the door. I wait five minutes and walk around looking at the tabs open on their computers- on any given day I kick 5 kids in this class off for playing games instead of working and make them write a self-reflection papers with a golf pencil (which is the only type of pencil I have). They yell, I ask them if they know what they did wrong, they yell louder, I yell – they accept their fate.

11:20 am- Search for a fork

12:05 pm- A third grade class enters my room with food all over their hands because they just came from lunch. I take 32 kids to a bathroom that has two sinks where I spend half of the class telling them not to play with the water and to use soap. We all get into the classroom, I am two computers and four chairs short. We play rock-paper-scissors to see who doesn’t get to use the computers this week- they cry.

12:55 pm- Second grade enters, this week they are really into fart noises and we get nothing done.

1:45 pm- My last class of the day enters, it’s first grade. I ask them what my favorite word is (we’ve been going over this for the past 4 weeks) they yell out, “Dog!, Lunch!, Raise your hand!, Quiet!, Weekend!…” I tell them it’s respect, they’re surprised but I’m confused because they all listed my favorite things. All of the sudden a kid runs out of my room holding his butt, he has pooped his pants. Class ends.

2:30 pm- This is my prep time but by this point I’m so mentally drained that I usually just end up reading or thinking about what I’m going to eat for dinner.

4 pm- Run to car

Life

Over the past month (besides teaching) I’ve started taking improv classes again, moved to the most “queer” friendly city in my state, had both of my closest friends move an hour away in opposite directions, moved my sister to Denver, went on a mini-tour with the artist I work with to Ohio and Indiana, contemplated which internet to get for my house (still don’t have internet) and have been trying to decide on somewhere to move to next year.

To be noted: This blog will eventually be weekly with in-depth stories of my teaching and life failures/ occasional wins.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged City, Education, humor, life, School, Teacher, women, WTF | Leave a comment

Hallmark Presents: Why did I do that?

Posted on August 4, 2016 by sanddprints

After heavily stalking all of my own social media outlets, I realized I haven’t written in almost a whole year. SO get ready to embark on a whimsical journey as I try to tell you about the past year of my life abundantly and selfishly in 8 paragraphs or less…. But first a few warnings:

Warning #1: I’m fully aware I’m a disaster and soon you’ll be aware too

Warning #2: If you’re under 16 and/or a Grandma- please close the tab (this post isn’t raunchy but they’ll get there)

Warning #3: Sometimes I massage the truth but for the most part, everything written is 100% true (unfortunately/fortunately)

Warning #4: Cuss words are both fun and effective

Warning #5: Recognize you’ve been formally warned

Part 1: Floating Around the World

Two months ago I finished a ten month Photography/ Videography contract with a company I’ll refer to as “Aolland Hmerica” for legal reasons. Initially, my contract was eight months but I like free food, terrible coffee and sex parties so I extended it to ten. My purpose on the ship was to be one of the token Americans employed/go on excursions and film them. Most of the time this was AMAZING but 7am comes quick when the bar is 40 feet from your room and you’re at no risk for a DUI. For the first few months you could count on a barf bag being tucked discretely in my pocket but eventually my liver came around. During my time onboard I was lucky enough to embark on multiple long cruises and a 115 day World Cruise. In total, I was able to explore 38 different counties and gain a pound of wisdom.

Now, you may be thinking “that sounds like a dream!” but it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Here’s another list for you:

1. Internet was costly and really worked my bank account

2. No cell phone reception EVER

3. Buffets for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This was arguably the most dangerous thing to ever happen to me

4. Seven day Atlantic Ocean crossings – when was the last time you went more than an hour without seeing land?

5. WAVES

Overall, it was the best experiences of my life and I’d recommend it to anybody who breathes or likes English people.

Part 2: Life on Land

Transitioning back to “normalcy” has been an interesting experience. This article beautifully states what it would take me a week to write so read it and come back to me.

https://london2cape.com/adventure-travel/the-hardest-part-of-travelling/

Welcome back- In pursuit of trying to be a good person, I spent five days at home trying to be interested in normal, everyday events but I needed a break so I (obviously) flew to Vegas.

Since then, I’ve been roaming around the U.S. exploring new cities with a suitcase and a credit card. I now only have three states to visit before I’ve officially been to all 50 of them. Shout-out to Idaho, Montana and Oregon-I’m coming for you.

Since I’ve been home I’ve been “trying” to date, it’s going as well as day two of food poisoning. I walked out on a fella the other night because he boldly stated he’d “turn off the radio if Drake was on.” Until I find someone who regularly eats pizza at 2am, is more than an adam’s apple (or preferably, doesn’t have one) and likes Drake- I will continue to plow my way thru the modern dating world. I’ll document it all, don’t worry.

Part 3: Mackinac Island

Most recently, I returned from a visit to the land of horse poop and fudge. My sister, Lynsey, holds a summer waitressing positioning on the Island and I find it my obligatory duty to go and annoy her once a season. If you’re unfamiliar with this weird little place, they allow no motorized vehicles and everyone day drinks. It’s an alcoholic’s paradise. While there my Mom won an 80’s dance competition, I fell off my bike and Lynsey showed me 100 things she will “one day” buy.

Part 4: Future

August 12th I’ll be embarking on a three week road trip to Arizona, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas and wherever else I fucking feel. The day after I return I’ll be flying to Poland for 10 days so stay tuned for stories that make you feel good about your life decisions. Since I’m about to get my act together and write regularly again, expect these posts to be funnier and better written. No promises though.

P.S.: I have a second date tonight- stay tuned.

GOODBYE FUCKERS.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged adulthood, cruise, funny, happiness, humor, Island, life, Travel | Leave a comment

Short and Sweet

Posted on August 31, 2015 by sanddprints

This week I ate my 43^rd lifetime burger, I can practically hear the cow mooing from inside of me. I used to view restaurants as life’s biggest luxury but now that I don’t have a tailor on speed dial, my vote has shifted to purified water.

Grab Tissues- The videographer position on all Holland America ships has been cut until further notice. Someone filmed something “inappropriate” and they decided to investigate so now I have to stay a photographer. I despise taking pictures of humans so hopefully they bring the position back before I get a door and float to shore.

We had a crew party Tuesday that went as well as a sixth grade dance. Even with free beer it was unbearable to be within ten feet of the entrance. I opted out and played darts where I found the only other 6 Americans onboard the ship. Most people have terrible connotations about Americans and hate everything about us. 89% of our guests are from the States and they leave their brains on land so it’s hard to make up for all of them. I used foot scrub on my face twice last week so I’m not helping our case too much.

There have been a lot of older guests onboard since the Alaskan season is coming to an end. We ran out of prune juice within the first two days and the air was of a stale scent. One of them also hit me in the face with a selfie-stick then verbally abused me for trying to “interrupt their greatness” – excuse the fuck outta me.

Someone “allegedly” fell overboard last week; they are alive. Someone then fell into a flower pot; they are also alive.

I discovered Corona is only 75 cents in the crew bar so I have been single handedly supporting Mexico’s economy- sorry Donald Trump. Catch y’all next week.

Posted in alaska, humor | Tagged adulthood, alaska, american, Boats, burgers, corona, dance, donald trump, funny, humor | Leave a comment

Finding New Places To Buy Yogurt

Posted on August 16, 2015 by sanddprints

I’m the happiest while wearing new socks and this week has been nothing but that. Sunday I started an 8-month photographer/ videographer contact with Ocean Images on Holland America Cruise Ships. All this really means is that I avoided my going away parties and bought a whole new wardrobe. I’ve been involved in countless contracts throughout my life (Disney, Sprint, AmeriCorps…) but I’ve only ever completed one successfully. However, this job makes my bed, feeds me (too much) and does my laundry so I might see this one through.

My journey to the ms Amsterdam started with a plane ride across country next to an elderly woman who smelled of a mobile Bath & Body Works. Being only slightly hung over, I threw up the moment my flight landed due to her nauseating aroma. After I regained composure of my body and ate what would be my last decent slice of pizza, I boarded my second flight and traveled to the Port of Seattle. Once there, my ship was easily found due to the dozens of families in matching shirts talking about how excited they were to see Polar Bears. Until September 20^th, I will be repeatedly working on the following 7-Day cruise.

After September 20^th, the ship will begin a 50-day Mediterranean Cruise followed by a 131-day World Journey but I’m not sure if I will be relocated or not.

On any day that we are docked at a Port (Juneau, Sitka, Ketchikan) I work three hours in the morning then have the rest of the day (until departure) to explore the port as well. In Alaska, only American crew members are able to work on land.

Work Life

Us in the photo department are known as the “mosquitos” of the ship. We are everywhere no one wants us and annoying as fuck. This job is perfect for me because I get to be the loud and obnoxious American I have been training my whole life to be. Turns out, children and Chinese women are really into it.

I work closely with 5 other people:

Vladi- Gym rat, loves watches, loves money.

Ruhan- Romania, 20 year career in a heavy metal band, knows 9 languages.

Valeria- Ukraine, married to Roohan, classical Violinist.

Nicolette- New Jersey, foodie, obsesses over one different thing a day.

Lauren- England, loves diamonds, committed to personal hygiene.

I usually work 10 hour days shooting portraits in various studios, working in a gallery, or having guests stand next to people in animal costumes.

Ship Life

On the ship I live in a windowless box the size of a maximum security prison cell. I share this small container with a gal name Zuzanna (Polish) and her boyfriend Jon (Filipino). They refer to each other as “Husband” and “Wife” so I play the unwanted step-child role in this living situation. I walked in on a PG-13 event three days ago and have received donuts every morning since.

For meals I am allowed to eat anywhere guests do- I found a burrito bar halfway through the week and have been giving it hell ever since. Living in a place where there is always a working buffet sounds like a dream but it’s really just a terrible prank. I’ve 100% already said goodbye to all fitness goals.

There is one bar on the ship for crew- they serve only beer and wine since liquor is strictly banned. We’re also never supposed to blow over a .08 but I’ve seen a lot of medically concerning behavior this week so it’s more of a scare tactic. It might also be a way for them to control population growth within crew. Everyone here has a “ship boyfriend” and they all get more than their recommended dose of daily cardio as it is.

The Internet is 10 cents a minute and I go thru 2 different times zones a week but yes, I would still love to skype you.

I’ll post picture next time, THAT’S ALL.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged adulthood, alaska, Boats, cruise, food, humor, ocean, pizza, ships, time zone, Travel | Leave a comment

Alive with Confusion

Posted on December 1, 2014 by sanddprints

Your twenties are rumored to be the most thrilling and adventurous time in your jaded life. You’re supposed to drink things that put hair on your chest, spend too much money at Target and make mistakes that you justify by saying you were “exploring your sexuality.” For the past 5 months I’ve put my life and my dreams (how corny) on hold in hopes of helping disaster survivors and to arguably run away from life. I’m not exactly sure what I thought I was running away from, or if really anything at that. I initially joined this program to better other people’s lives but I (of course) bettered mine in many ways. The more time I’ve spent with FEMA Corps, the clearer it became that I would not have the opportunity to help people, or better my career in the degree advertised. While I am thankful for the opportunity, I’ve made the decision to resign from my position and return to Detroit at the end of December. I will be arriving home to two technical-directing opportunities, improv classes and a semester left at Wayne State. I’m not sure where exactly I’ll be living but one big life decision at a time, right? While my family isn’t supportive of my choice, I know what’s right for me and I’ve never listened to them anyways.

I took a sick day last Tuesday due to back pain. Sure, I could have gone to work but why figure out what to do between meals when I can nap freely instead. I got up at my normal time, drank three cups of coffee and tried to decide what to watch for over an hour. When we take sick days here in FEMA Corps, we’re not allowed to leave hotel grounds for any reason. Probably not even a fire. Given my lovely I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, I decided to go to Walmart and rent an excessive amount of movies from the Redbox. Now, if you feel like you’re the one being judged in a Walmart- you’re doing something terribly wrong. As I grabbed my fifth and last movie out of the Redbox, I could only think about how pathetic all the people looking at me must have thought I was. I cried on the inside like a winner then realized they probably live a sadder life then I currently do.

While setting up a classroom Wednesday it took two “specialists” 10 minutes to decide if they should set up the room 6 tables of 5 or 5 tables of 6. Clearly they think I’m someone else because I opted out of the debate a minute in and started setting up. After their debate time was up they realized it didn’t matter, obviously…

I got 5 late fees from the Redbox which is what I get for renting them in the first place I guess. I also went into Target and didn’t buy anything, I’m a changed lady.

Breaking News: American cheese ruins sandwiches. In fact, American cheese ruins everything that it’s put on. As a devoted lover of the dairy product, I declare it the worst type and refuse to ever spend money on it again. Except (of course) when I have small children and they don’t know the difference. And that was my big Thursday thought. I soon after realized that I shouldn’t have volunteered to taste an unidentified substance on Alex’s hoodie. I came to the conclusion that it was either semen, glue or glaze donut on it. Sometimes I don’t understand the things I do.

Later that night I went to a very hipster party that was thrown at an art museum. It was everything it sounds like it would be. Jeanean even used her hip thrust dance moves and sang Celine Dion. Needless to say, I ate my emotions that night.

I was 50 shades of pissed Friday morning when I saw the dog I wanted got adopted by someone else who is probably amazing. This then made me think again about how terrible it is to breakup with someone and realize you’ll never see their dogs again. The worst part about the situation is that the dogs don’t know why you’ve stopped visiting. Anyways, we fed homeless people that afternoon which just turned into us folding tons of baby clothes and saying Hong Kong a lot.

The weekend consisted of everyone being super happy and a lot of other things I don’t remember. I’m sure pizza was involved.

Tuesday night Anita, Jeanean and I embarked on a 10 hour, red-eye, MegaBus ride to Chicago. We met a wonderfully drunk frat boy who may have been the most annoying person I’ve met in my entire life. To describe this kid would make him seem less than he is so I won’t go too into it. I will tell you that he had the same conversation with his seat mates at least once an hour- same responses, same questions, same reactions. It was actually pretty miraculous.

We arrived to the city at 8 a.m. Wednesday morning and stayed until Saturday afternoon. We did the normal Chicago things which included:

Visiting the Bean
Eating in China Town where everyone inevitably stares at you because it’s Thanksgiving, you’re white and you don’t know Chinese
Seeing improv shows at Second City
Getting lost on the subway
Walking endless amounts of miles to unknown destinations
Going to Navy Pier
Watching Martha Stewart bake pies (side note: if I ever go to prison I want to thrive there like she did- craft classes and all)
Getting mistaken for a lesbian multiple times
Drinking in excessive amounts
Weirdly watching many Sex and the City reruns
And so on…

It was a good time. We did however sleep three to a bed which was interesting. I felt like we were reenacting the grandparent’s scene in Willy Wonka every night. We thankfully flew home instead of another bus ride and got picked up right after an interesting teammate interaction was had.

I used all of Sunday to recover and mentally prepare for the wild work week ahead.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Chicago, Crazy Bitch, happiness, humor, Improv, Kansas City, life, Redbox, Target, Travel, unknown, women | Leave a comment

Avoiding Scott Petersons boat

Posted on November 17, 2014 by sanddprints

Finding myself in the middle of the woods on a Saturday morning would have normally been a perfect start to my day. A greasy McDonald’s breakfast, putting one in the air, good tunes and my people were unfortunately all lacking from my reality. Instead, I was wearing two pairs of pants, contemplating my life choices and assigned the task of cutting down honeysuckle (an invasive species). I’m all for helping the earth and correcting the issues that my fellow Americans created but they playin’ having us do it at the coldest time of the day. Following the morning theme of hatred, I went and seen Dear White People which turned out to be a terrible movie. I went home disappointed, cold and hungry.

Alex’s hair is long enough for her to hold it in her butt-crack and she assigned me the task of dying it. I skipped arm day the next day due to the fact that my biceps were sore from the tasks involved in the monumental dying process. Girl needs a haircut, pronto.

Right as my analog clock struck 4 on Monday, I rushed to the van in an attempt to get off work grounds ASAP. Obviously that didn’t work because I have 7 tumors holding me back at all times. I had a date with a pee-cup at 5 and I was trying my best to get there only 10 minutes late- which I accomplished. I got into a fist fight with one of the dryers in the hotel after this. I swear it has a vendetta against me that I can’t figure out. I sometimes try to whisper-sing to it while I slowly put money in but nothing helps. In order to get the day over I went to bed at 8:30. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I used to make fun of people who go to bed before adult swim came on.

Veterans Day was a day of thankfulness in more than one way- we also got the day off work. I broke off from the group as they went to a museum and I went for a walk around town. I found myself inside Union Station watching terror strike young kids as their parents placed them in front of large bug animatronics. After seeing countless children develop life-long trust issues with their parents, I got myself a drink to think about mine. Just kidding, but I did get a drink. Bars are like my coffee shop so how could I not?

Do not ever eat anywhere named Sweet Tomatoes, it will soil your perfectly good Wednesday afternoon and ruin all hopes of maintaining a normal sugar level. Endless pop, ice cream, and pizza sounds like the best day of your life- but it’s all a hoax. Skinny people created buffets to make the gap between fat people even larger and they’ve succeeded. I fell for it, again. On a brighter note, I re-activated my Hulu+ account so I can watch all of The Mindy Project with limited commercial interruption. Do yourself a favor and watch the show, you will regret it less than a buffet and maybe laugh a little. I somehow fell into a trap and had to attend a two hour meeting where my purpose was just to listen and specifically not take notes. In order to be productive, I practiced writing the alphabet with my left hand- I WILL become ambidextrous.

I got to play hooky from work and eat bacon as I accompanied Jeanean and Anita to a tabling event. The only downfall was that I could have dressed like a regular civilian and found a date, but I forgot and dressed like GI Jane. No one likes GI Jane when there are long-haired beauties in regular clothes running around. Thursday was also World Kindness day and ironically, Alex was in charge of creating an activity for us to do. We all had to pick a random name and then write nice things about the person, it was very Middle School of us. Going along with the theme of the day, Alex so kindly put ice in my pillow.

Back on the topic of Alex, she eats raw potatoes for breakfast like an inhumane farm monster. She invited me to Chick-Fil-A for lunch though, so I got over the potato non-sense real fast. Some very interesting things happened on that lunch trip involving free cookies, a man named Rooster and every man hitting on Dwight for his seemingly good looks. It was hilarious and unexpectedly beneficial to my stomach and happiness. Being so happy, I immediately went back to my office and proceed to look at hundreds of puppies I knew I would never adopt. Dog breeders are getting real creative with dog names though, some including: boxie, buggle, bullet, chi-weenie, chorkie. What? I had to look up every breed I came across just so I could see what they would look like at age 3. And Chi-weenie, really?

Saturday I woke up to uncooked angel-hair pasta stabbing my in the back like carbs usually do. Alex and I watched movies until the boys and I went out for what would be a weird night. It started off pretty normal- long islands, the men asking me sex questions, and beer pong. Fast-forward to an hour later where we are in a 45+ night club watching innocent Asian women make tons of money off of old white men. I had to leave the facility because Gaugin and Dwight were getting too personal with some cougars. Gaugin kissed an elder lady with pig-tails (who wears pig-tails over the age of 5?) and he claims he didn’t like it- but we all know he did.

In order to recover from the night before Alex, Gaugin, John and I watched Sex in the City 2. They went to Abu Dhabi and the boys loved it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged humor, Kansas City, life, Sex in the City, Travel | Leave a comment

Three Weeks Time

Posted on November 12, 2014 by sanddprints

Forgive my lack of clever transitions and for being so lame as to start every paragraph with the day of the week it occurred on. I’ll do better next time.

Week 1: October 15 – 19

Wednesday the 15th (yes, a long time ago) was a day of stupidly and salty attitudes. We were scheduled to move rooms within the same hotel but since the world is ran by fucking idiots; we had to pack all our stuff in the van and sit on top of each other. After a mind-numbing day of work, we drove to the same hotel and moved back in. I now have a real bed and it’s an amazing luxury really. I’m sure we ate something shitty for dinner since a lot of our food was sacrificed in the “move.”

Thursday morning I walked into my office and got punched in the face by the smell of onions. While lying under my desk during a random Earthquake drill, I found the culprit and proceeded to yell at it like an insane person. I got called a boy for the first time and I tore him a new one. Who knew I’d be so mad.

Friday I got locked out of my office, watched Kevin Hart stand-up videos at work all day and ate my first meatball sub.

Saturday I froze my ass off before the sun rose at mile 17 of the Kansas City Marathon. My duty was to make sure no runners got hit by cars and to cheer them on as they passed. I almost lost my life and fought a man for these crazy ass runners- give me a damn medal. Kwesi and I won a film festival in Michigan and I didn’t get to hear the speech I was promised to hear but they’ll be more, hopefully. It was also apparently Sweetest Day- I’m not sure what the hell it is or supposed to be. All I know is that my mom used to buy me pajamas and cook me breakfasts on this day.

Sunday I went to Ace Hardware with Alex (she used to work there) she was the happiest I’ve ever seen her. I wore a safety jacket the whole day because I was traumatized about almost being flattened the day before. Gaugin made super salty chicken for dinner and everyone was dehydrated after the first bite.

Week 2: October 21- 26

Tuesday the 21st I decided to start drinking coffee in hopes that I could start defecating like a normal person. It hasn’t started working yet so now I’m going to have stained teeth for nothing. My office was soon after ransacked by 7 large men who all looked much better before they opened their mouths. They busted thru everything like they were looking for drugs but they were just looking for a single manila folder. It probably had information in it that I could have used to overthrow the federal government but I’ll get it next time. A lady shaved her legs naked in the sauna next to me later that night. She said it’s the best shave she’s ever had but all I could think about is what else she would have shaved if I wasn’t in there and how much hair I was sitting on.

Wednesday I got free pizza!

Thursday there was an office wide Chili contest and someone dressed up in a popcorn costume. She got third place because popcorn makes good Chili. I made Alex shave my neck to fix my hairline in the middle of the hotel hallway- short hair is hard in times like these. I was walkin’ around looking like a damn fool with my fucked up hairline. I put anonymous underwear in Jeaneans microwave- she found it while she was trying to make tea. I was hoping to start a prank war but she decided to just throw it at the boys which I supported.

Friday Jeanean tried to poop at the same time as me and I ran outta the bathroom. We had an open dialogue after she was done about all the reasons that was not okay. I flew to Florida after work to visit my sister Lynsey, who is interning at Disney World. They tryin’ to play mother fuckers on that plane though- DO NOT ask me if I want the free pretzels OF COURSE I WANT THEM. Every person on the plane wants the damn pretzels they shed out $400 for. I also ate the best 4 inch $7 pizza I have absolutely every eaten in all of my existence.

When I arrived in the sunshine state I was met by my dad and his friend Jerry (I refer to them as my two dads- they’re not gay but they should be). The three of us stayed at the All-Star Disney Resort where I chose to sleep on the floor because lord knows I am not sharing a bed with my father. Lynsey lives in housing provided by Disney which doesn’t allow outside guests to stay past 11- Fun Fact. I kept my hair hidden in my hood until they asked to see it- they were scared and I knew it.

Saturday morning I almost got my head smashed in by the maid who tried to enter the room at 7 a.m., I guess that’s what I get for sleeping on the floor. She apologized and sprinted away leaving her cleaning cart behind which made no sense. Lynsey called off work so all four of us decided to go to Daytona Beach after seeing how packed Universal Studios was. My dad went to Daytona for Spring Break in 1982 and proceed to tell us many times how everything looked different and older- no fucking shit. He also told us that you’re allowed to drive your car on the beach which I didn’t believe but ended up being true. Lynsey took at least 100 pictures of shells and I had a long island before noon so we both labeled it a good day. That night we went to Dicks Last Resort which is a restaurant where the servers are rude to you on purpose. The food sucks but I guess you pay for the experience which is weird because I could go to Walmart and get it for free. My father and Jerry didn’t like it but it’s probably because they were the ones paying.

Sunday we all went to Hollywood Studios and my dad almost shit himself on the Hollywood Tower of Terror, which arguably may have been my fault. He apparently didn’t know what the ride was or that it dropped- he thought it was one where you just rode around and looked at things like all the baby rides at Disney. It was amazing. We did the usual things after that like: almost falling asleep on The Great Movie Ride, riding the Rockin’ Roller Coaster, seeing Indiana Jones, eating lunch at the drive in restaurant, blah blah blah. Around 3 we went to EPCOT which was the sole purpose of why my Dad and Jerry went to Florida. It was the Food and Wine Festival where you can drink and eat from tons of countries around the world, way more than usual. I too used to intern for Disney so the “drinking around the world challenge” is nothing but to my counterparts, it was a failed mission- they made it half way. Buncha pansies. The Los Lonely Boys performed that night and they played the song Heaven for 15 minutes because it was the only song people knew. I wore a “Birthday Pin” that said the name Emily on it and all day and I ignored anyone who said something to me about it on accident. Whoops. My dad said he wanted to “Sha-boogie” that night, thankfully that didn’t happen.

Week 3: October 27- November 6
(This week has more than 7 days)

Monday we went to Animal Kingdom (which is my favorite park) and Magic Kingdom (where I used to work) and it was like any other Disney experience- I’ll save you the word count. We did however go to The Rainforest Café and I got a free birthday cupcake.

Tuesday morning I awoke to a $23 McDonalds breakfast and two birthday cards from my mother. Yes, $23. I flew back to Kansas City where a lady stood in the aisle the whole plane ride and no one gave a fuck. After I landed I got an awkward phone call from my mom about a letter I received at my home address from Planned Parenthood- oh joy. I assured her I was not pregnant and there was nothing she needed to worry about but she made me say it 10 more times just in case I decided to change my story. Vacation time never seems to last- I wish it was more like microwave time.

Wednesday the 29th I went back to work just in time for it to be my 23rd birthday. According to one online article, 23 is the worst year of your 20s because it’s the year that “allegedly” everyone tries to figure their life out. I think it’s secretly because of the Blink 182 song and the subliminal messaging but we’ll go with what everyone thinks for now.

Friday I had the worst Halloween imaginable- I sat at home and watched stupid shows on TV because no one wanted to go do anything. Cabs cost way too much to go anywhere alone so I had to opt out. I think I went to be at 9 because I’m a 6 year old.

November started off on a charitable note as we gleaned vegetables (mostly turnips and mustard greens) which were to be given to people in need. We went to BDubs for lunch where I drank multiple long islands and ate my weight in chicken wings. Emily, Dwight, and I went and seen Gone Girl at 10:40 which made us late for our 1 o’clock curfew and we got written up.

The next morning, feeling like a kindergarten rebel, I decided to eat pizza and break my no pizza rule. It was a glorious time. I got instant Karma soon after because none of my laundry dried. I had to lay it out all over the hotel room because my ass was not about to pay another $2.

Monday I watched CatDog and Tuesday I decided the show used to be much better.

Wednesday I opened the most exciting white box that had ever been addressed to me. Inside this glorious package was a golden wiener-dog tape dispenser and a mug with my initial on it- if those two things don’t make me a young professional I don’t know what does. Margi (my cousin/ not cousin/ it’s complicated) also got me a gift card to BDubs. Homie is lookin’ the fuck out for her girl. And! There was a new Bobs Burgers to watch on Hulu which made for a great day at work.

Thursday I proceed to play with tape all day.

Friday we ate tacos, Alex put ice cubes in my shoes and I went on the most exciting trip to Whole Foods imaginable.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Disney, humor, life, Travel | Leave a comment

Pretending To Live A Legal Lifestyle

Posted on October 16, 2014 by sanddprints

Sorry for the delay- please stop yelling at me. I’ve been trying new foods and sitting in Saunas all week. Here’s a quick recap of last week:

Monday was a day full of excitement and joy- I sharpened 30 green pencils at work and listened to sad songs that made me want to lay on the floor. It was my first “arm day” and I drank Gaugins pre-workout powder and almost threw up. It’s like legal crack. I’ve never ran so fast in my life and probably never will again.

Tuesday I ate a salad with a spoon and two fiber gummies. Let’s just say I noticed where they need to touch the bathroom stall doors at. The custodian also told me that I needed to start peeling my hard-boiled breakfast eggs in the kitchen because I make too big of a mess all the time- but then he laughed. Since he laughed, I’m gonna push it and keep doing it at my desk- yolo. Worse he can do is take away my trash can again but we all know who will win that battle. I watched a weird amount of Mariah Carey music videos this day and I only regret it a little.

Wednesday I witnessed one of my vanilla sister’s homie-hop. She is the reason why Chris Browns song Loyal became most men’s living anthem. I give her props though- her shoes were on point.
At work they announced over the PA system (which I’ve never heard them use before) that there was a food truck out front- welcome to America the obese.

Thursday I ate cold beans because one of the other team leaders was posted up in the break room and he’s a dick head. The Red Wings won and I went to half-off boneless day at BDubs so it was a good day in my book. While there I scared an old man half to death with my yelling- it smelled funky afterwards so I think something happened to him when fear struck. Dwight, Sondra, and myself discussed how we all don’t like the program very much because it doesn’t offer what is promised and all we do is think of ways not to kill ourselves (not true). This trend seems to hold true to everyone who is in the program that I talk to so don’t do it unless you like self-torture.

Friday I hung out with bitchy teenagers as I accompanied some of my teammates to a local High School for a recruiting event. I was told not to talk because they said I would be to “real” and we’re supposed to lie to them so they’ll join. I’m also a proud member of two gyms- this one has a sauna and bunch of very secure naked old women. I’ve seen so many saggy titties these past few days that I’m starting to worry about mine. Their bodies are also (not that I look on purpose) groomed in very interesting ways.

Saturday night Dwight and I went and seen The Red Bastard which is a one man improv show in West Port. The main concept of the show was supposed to teach us about life as we know it. They made people tell their fears and dreams out loud and we learned that most people are afraid of their fantasies, someone does’t love their significant other, a pregnancy was confessed, that one guy just wants to be alone (his wife was pist) and a bunch of random shit. I got dared to lick an old man’s ear while he had his pants down- I completed the task and took one for the team. I soon feel into a shame-spiral but only for a quick minute. At the end The Red Bastard took off all his clothes and he had a micro-penis, it was scary.

Sunday I went to Zumba and my whole body had dry mouth. My water was mixed with wine and I hated myself for it. Our instructor was the most fabulous gay man I have ever met and I loved him dearly. Most of the songs were Halloween themed and he let me scream whenever I wanted- a man after my own heart.
Later in the day Alex and I ordered pizza from the same company but from two different locations on accident. We had to go on an hour journey to get both pizzas. I then told the front desk that she ate toilet paper so I got my payback.

Thank you Christopher Columbus (even though you’re an asshole) for the day off of work on Monday. I went to my least favorite place in the world- the mall. A few months ago Kwesi (my man) cut a hole in the ass of my pants when he was trying to open my pocket, so I figured it was time for new ones. I bought two pairs which doesn’t seem like a lot but when you’re living out of a suitcase and they’re thick as shit, it’s a problem. Alex and I spent some quality time in Brookstone getting a foot message in a chair that looked like it came straight off a rocket ship. It was the highlight of my day.

Tuesday I showed off my 7th grade basketball skills and helped cook the team chicken for dinner.

Yay.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged basketball, humor, life, naked, Travel, women | Leave a comment

And the Ants Go Marching Two by Two

Posted on October 7, 2014 by sanddprints

The only note I wrote down for last Sunday says, “If you drink enough vodka, it tastes like love.” On a dumb night that makes stupid sense, so I’ll leave you with that and move on.

This program has left our pockets skinny and our wardrobe dated so the topic of “Sugar Babies” has come up at least 3 times this week within my team. For those of you who aren’t aware of what that is- it’s when a young lady hangs out with an old fuck (who’s probably married) who funds them in return for “company.” You can interpret that any way you please. We’ve even gone as far as watching documentaries about it- shits intense. There’s a 22 year old gal who has made over $300,000 from this arrangement. Don’t worry, I’m not considering it but your welcome to anyone who didn’t know about it and is about to make stacks from it. There’s even an app for your convenience.

My mom was drunk in Vegas on Monday goin’ buck wild with hairy men in speedos. She wasn’t a fan of the men but she sure as hell was lovin’ the dranks. I love when parents are drunk- they say the shit you know they wish they could say when sober because they have a list of stuff that just flies outta their mouths. If you ever need to feel good about yourself as a human, just get one of your parents drunk (two if your feelin’ risky) and your self-esteem will go up at least 20%. If your parents are angry drunks, just get yourself wasted so you can blame them for your issues.

I went for an exciting stroll on Monday and ran into large tipis and shuttle-cocks. Yes, the kind they use in badminton. Apparently these two objects matter enough to KC for them to make multiple massive statues, I don’t understand why. You could sleep a family of 4 comfortably in one if they were all within a healthy weight range. I’d live here if I was deprived of a home- shower in the fountains and live in the tipis. The good life awaits.

Wednesday was the day the world cried along with 8 souls. It was moving day and it was raining. We threw all our acquired junk from the past 4 weeks into the van and packed ourselves in tighter than a fat man’s new lap-band. Our new location is terrible and I “literally can’t even.” There’s a Wal-Mart, Panera, Hooters, and a BDubs in walking distance but that’s the highlight of the area. We went from being in the heart of the city to an area in Kansas where people wear no bras and Uggs to the store- not okay. This ESA also thinks that only skinny people should be able to use the cooking vicinities by the looks of the layout. Cooking on the stove is a task that you feel accomplished after completing and the whole time that you’re struggling, the fridge is also trying to penetrate your “back door.” Not a pretty picture but it’s the truth and the truth ain’t always pretty- read that on a milk carton once (not a joke) apparently there weren’t any missing children that month. They also booked us in rooms that only have one bed because that makes a ton of sense. We aren’t “allowed” to share beds so I sleep on a pull out couch while Alex is in a California King (Which she rightly deserves because she slept on a cot willingly for a month). Dwight chooses to sleep on the floor in his room because he refuses to adapt to the cot life. John came in and disrupted our bathroom after move-in and it smelled for 3 hours because they don’t have fans. We made a new rule that men aren’t allowed to violate our toilet, which I think is fair. Living in a hotel is not as fun as the Disney Channel made it seem- there are a lot of weird noises and the dryers never actually dry your clothes even though you pay $2 for them to do one job.

Jeaneans 23rd birthday was also on Wednesday so we celebrated by going to the mall food court for lunch, PARTAY. Malls encompass a lot of things that I hate: large groups of pre-teens, clothes, escalators, visors, and the smell of Axe. Chipotle was in the food court to save the day though- which is like a hug from your mom after she slips you a Xanax. For the record (since my family reads this) that has, to my knowledge, never happened but I imagine it to be pretty great.

Thursday I determined that I’d rather never eat carbs again than ever work with FEMA for longer than the duration of this program. I watched a whole season of Silicone Valley (which I recommend) and had contact with maybe one person the whole 8 hours I was there. Damn Government.

Since the move Gaugin and I now have a 30 minute ride to the gym one way. We get lost EVERY TIME we try and return home, one day we’ll get it right. While trying to navigate home we have talks about how neither of us would ever exchange body fluids with a Royals Fan and how he still has ample energy even though he’s on a no carb diet.

On Friday’s there is always a lady in the bathroom speaking loud Spanish on the phone and I don’t understand why. Maybe she gets free long distance on that day or maybe she uses salty language on Fridays and wants to hide it. It was also the first day I started my lifting routine at the gym and it was leg day. It made my skin crawl but no pain no gain. I was in at 8 pm this night which hasn’t happened since kindergarten. I hated it.

Saturday Alex and I moved rooms because there were ants coming in from the window of her bedroom and she ain’t for that life. We did it in a record breaking 20 minutes, holllla. The team and I all ventured out to a festival that ended up being only one block so majority voted to go back home, I was not pleased. Gaugin, Dwight and I went to the BDubs by the ESA and got our drank on while we watched multiple football games. We were in by 10 this night. I hated that too.

Sunday was a day of pure devastation. The Tigers lost and I flooded the kitchen with chicken water. I can’t even bring myself to elaborate on that subject- all you need to know is that it was a confusing time for me.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged happiness, humor, life, Travel | Leave a comment

Bald Art

Posted on September 29, 2014 by sanddprints

Last Friday there was an Art Show by our hotel filled with a bunch of pretentious people in visors. I still don’t understand the correlation between art and visors- makes no damn sense. Although my broke-ass will never be able to afford any piece of art that I drool over, I got to have a drink in my hand while roaming the streets which is like a gift from baby Jesus himself. I even got to use a Pot-a-John that had carpet in it, they fancy ‘round here. In other news, the KC Royals finally got their heads out of their asses and started playing some good baseball. The Tigers and the Royals played the biggest game in Royals history in the last 25 years (apparently) this night. I watched it on a huge screen in the middle of “Royals Nation” on a curb, by myself, as I screamed for every run we (the Tigers) got on them. We won 10-1. I made a lot of friends this night and only walked away with one death threat. I consider this an uneventful night.

Saturday morning my team and I got roped into helping a church have a clothes giveaway for the community. We got some bomb-ass bisques’ for our participation and I snagged a Carhartt outta the deal. We did a lot of sitting and yelling- two of my favorite things early in the morning. After this I engaged in moderate day drinking with Gaugin and Dwight. I squired lemon in my eye, spilled ice down my shirt, and got lost. I think I was being told to go back to Church but I’ll just keep ignoring it- I’ve made it this far. Penn State, The Tigers, and Florida State all won this day and everyone was happy, so we obviously ate BBQ. I had been hearing about this place since we arrived at KC. We pulled up and 1. It was at a gas station, 2. The line was wrapped around the building, and 3. It was in Kansas. I thought the food was mediocre; all I tasted was BBQ sauce so I’m going to stick with Mexican Food. Later that night the boys and I went back out to drink the devils juice where we met an old man with “Blow Me” tattooed on his stomach. It was a great ending to the day.

I don’t recall anything that happened on Sunday except I got honked at by a car while walking. I despise being honked at when the car is the one who’s doing something wrong. I could be listening to Kids Bop, walking with a kid dressed as a Care Bear, and I will still flip my shit.

The work week was pretty unstimulating per-usual. We had a fire drill on Tuesday where I found and ate candy when I was supposed to be making sure the building was clear. My father is trying to persuade me to go to law-school which I don’t understand at all. I’d much rather poke my eyeballs out and replace them with grapes then ever consider going into law.

It was a more than average hump day though to say the least. It started out with Chipotle for lunch then I shaved my head (literally). Thank god my mom rotated me when I was a sleeping baby because it is very nicely shaped. There has been a growing urge deep inside me for a while to do this and I finally took the plunge- very liberating experience. I figured I’m probably never going to have a better time to be bald then now since I’m not trying to find friends or a man. I’m donating it all to Locks of Love, so hopefully it will make someone very happy. Things I’ve noticed since becoming bald: 1. the world is a colder place when there’s no insulation on top 2. people are more intimidated by me 3. it takes a lot less time to shower 4. people like to touch my head 5. all of the sudden everyone wants to give me a nickname.

Thursday we had a mock Joint Information Center set up in the office where FEMA Corps members (me) had multiple personalities and pretended to be survivors for the FEMA employees to practice with. JICs are set up after a disaster happens and survivors go there to register for assistance, try to apply for loans, and receive help. I was first a 32 year old married broad named Christine who had a dead baby and a Pitbull. Then I was Hertha, a 39 year old married woman whose apartment was destroyed and had an attitude problem. I got to yell at people and say things I would normally want to say but hold back because I’ll get fired. It was fun. Dwight, Alex, and I went drinking after work and I dropped a quesadilla that Anita made for me on the floor- it was a tragedy. I went to bed at 9 fully clothed and wearing shoes.

Saturday and Sunday were slow motion. My team and I went on an amazing hike, attended an improv show, and drank about our problems. I hope to do improv one day; I’d love to start making an ass of myself on-stage again. I also made friends with two homeless people- their names are Donna and Cliff. I watched their crates today as they both ran away to the bathroom. I think we’re gonna get matching tattoos this week, we’ll see.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged art, bald, humor, life, Travel | Leave a comment