After heavily stalking all of my own social media outlets, I realized I haven’t written in almost a whole year. SO get ready to embark on a whimsical journey as I try to tell you about the past year of my life abundantly and selfishly in 8 paragraphs or less…. But first a few warnings:

Warning #1: I’m fully aware I’m a disaster and soon you’ll be aware too

Warning #2: If you’re under 16 and/or a Grandma- please close the tab (this post isn’t raunchy but they’ll get there)

Warning #3: Sometimes I massage the truth but for the most part, everything written is 100% true (unfortunately/fortunately)

Warning #4: Cuss words are both fun and effective

Warning #5: Recognize you’ve been formally warned

Part 1: Floating Around the World

Two months ago I finished a ten month Photography/ Videography contract with a company I’ll refer to as “Aolland Hmerica” for legal reasons. Initially, my contract was eight months but I like free food, terrible coffee and sex parties so I extended it to ten. My purpose on the ship was to be one of the token Americans employed/go on excursions and film them. Most of the time this was AMAZING but 7am comes quick when the bar is 40 feet from your room and you’re at no risk for a DUI. For the first few months you could count on a barf bag being tucked discretely in my pocket but eventually my liver came around. During my time onboard I was lucky enough to embark on multiple long cruises and a 115 day World Cruise. In total, I was able to explore 38 different counties and gain a pound of wisdom.

Now, you may be thinking “that sounds like a dream!” but it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Here’s another list for you:

1. Internet was costly and really worked my bank account

2. No cell phone reception EVER

3. Buffets for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This was arguably the most dangerous thing to ever happen to me

4. Seven day Atlantic Ocean crossings – when was the last time you went more than an hour without seeing land?

5. WAVES

Overall, it was the best experiences of my life and I’d recommend it to anybody who breathes or likes English people.

Part 2: Life on Land

Transitioning back to “normalcy” has been an interesting experience. This article beautifully states what it would take me a week to write so read it and come back to me.

https://london2cape.com/adventure-travel/the-hardest-part-of-travelling/

Welcome back- In pursuit of trying to be a good person, I spent five days at home trying to be interested in normal, everyday events but I needed a break so I (obviously) flew to Vegas.

Since then, I’ve been roaming around the U.S. exploring new cities with a suitcase and a credit card. I now only have three states to visit before I’ve officially been to all 50 of them. Shout-out to Idaho, Montana and Oregon-I’m coming for you. 

Since I’ve been home I’ve been “trying” to date, it’s going as well as day two of food poisoning. I walked out on a fella the other night because he boldly stated he’d “turn off the radio if Drake was on.” Until I find someone who regularly eats pizza at 2am, is more than an adam’s apple (or preferably, doesn’t have one) and likes Drake- I will continue to plow my way thru the modern dating world. I’ll document it all, don’t worry.

Part 3: Mackinac Island

Most recently, I returned from a visit to the land of horse poop and fudge. My sister, Lynsey, holds a summer waitressing positioning on the Island and I find it my obligatory duty to go and annoy her once a season. If you’re unfamiliar with this weird little place, they allow no motorized vehicles and everyone day drinks. It’s an alcoholic’s paradise. While there my Mom won an 80’s dance competition, I fell off my bike and Lynsey showed me 100 things she will “one day” buy.

Part 4: Future

August 12th I’ll be embarking on a three week road trip to Arizona, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas and wherever else I fucking feel. The day after I return I’ll be flying to Poland for 10 days so stay tuned for stories that make you feel good about your life decisions. Since I’m about to get my act together and write regularly again, expect these posts to be funnier and better written. No promises though.

P.S.: I have a second date tonight- stay tuned.

GOODBYE FUCKERS.