Finding myself in the middle of the woods on a Saturday morning would have normally been a perfect start to my day. A greasy McDonald’s breakfast, putting one in the air, good tunes and my people were unfortunately all lacking from my reality. Instead, I was wearing two pairs of pants, contemplating my life choices and assigned the task of cutting down honeysuckle (an invasive species). I’m all for helping the earth and correcting the issues that my fellow Americans created but they playin’ having us do it at the coldest time of the day. Following the morning theme of hatred, I went and seen Dear White People which turned out to be a terrible movie. I went home disappointed, cold and hungry.

Alex’s hair is long enough for her to hold it in her butt-crack and she assigned me the task of dying it. I skipped arm day the next day due to the fact that my biceps were sore from the tasks involved in the monumental dying process. Girl needs a haircut, pronto.

Right as my analog clock struck 4 on Monday, I rushed to the van in an attempt to get off work grounds ASAP. Obviously that didn’t work because I have 7 tumors holding me back at all times. I had a date with a pee-cup at 5 and I was trying my best to get there only 10 minutes late- which I accomplished. I got into a fist fight with one of the dryers in the hotel after this. I swear it has a vendetta against me that I can’t figure out. I sometimes try to whisper-sing to it while I slowly put money in but nothing helps. In order to get the day over I went to bed at 8:30. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I used to make fun of people who go to bed before adult swim came on.

Veterans Day was a day of thankfulness in more than one way- we also got the day off work. I broke off from the group as they went to a museum and I went for a walk around town. I found myself inside Union Station watching terror strike young kids as their parents placed them in front of large bug animatronics. After seeing countless children develop life-long trust issues with their parents, I got myself a drink to think about mine. Just kidding, but I did get a drink. Bars are like my coffee shop so how could I not?

Do not ever eat anywhere named Sweet Tomatoes, it will soil your perfectly good Wednesday afternoon and ruin all hopes of maintaining a normal sugar level. Endless pop, ice cream, and pizza sounds like the best day of your life- but it’s all a hoax. Skinny people created buffets to make the gap between fat people even larger and they’ve succeeded. I fell for it, again. On a brighter note, I re-activated my Hulu+ account so I can watch all of The Mindy Project with limited commercial interruption. Do yourself a favor and watch the show, you will regret it less than a buffet and maybe laugh a little. I somehow fell into a trap and had to attend a two hour meeting where my purpose was just to listen and specifically not take notes. In order to be productive, I practiced writing the alphabet with my left hand- I WILL become ambidextrous.

I got to play hooky from work and eat bacon as I accompanied Jeanean and Anita to a tabling event. The only downfall was that I could have dressed like a regular civilian and found a date, but I forgot and dressed like GI Jane. No one likes GI Jane when there are long-haired beauties in regular clothes running around. Thursday was also World Kindness day and ironically, Alex was in charge of creating an activity for us to do. We all had to pick a random name and then write nice things about the person, it was very Middle School of us. Going along with the theme of the day, Alex so kindly put ice in my pillow.

Back on the topic of Alex, she eats raw potatoes for breakfast like an inhumane farm monster. She invited me to Chick-Fil-A for lunch though, so I got over the potato non-sense real fast. Some very interesting things happened on that lunch trip involving free cookies, a man named Rooster and every man hitting on Dwight for his seemingly good looks. It was hilarious and unexpectedly beneficial to my stomach and happiness. Being so happy, I immediately went back to my office and proceed to look at hundreds of puppies I knew I would never adopt. Dog breeders are getting real creative with dog names though, some including: boxie, buggle, bullet, chi-weenie, chorkie. What? I had to look up every breed I came across just so I could see what they would look like at age 3. And Chi-weenie, really?

Saturday I woke up to uncooked angel-hair pasta stabbing my in the back like carbs usually do. Alex and I watched movies until the boys and I went out for what would be a weird night. It started off pretty normal- long islands, the men asking me sex questions, and beer pong. Fast-forward to an hour later where we are in a 45+ night club watching innocent Asian women make tons of money off of old white men. I had to leave the facility because Gaugin and Dwight were getting too personal with some cougars. Gaugin kissed an elder lady with pig-tails (who wears pig-tails over the age of 5?) and he claims he didn’t like it- but we all know he did.

In order to recover from the night before Alex, Gaugin, John and I watched Sex in the City 2. They went to Abu Dhabi and the boys loved it.