Forgive my lack of clever transitions and for being so lame as to start every paragraph with the day of the week it occurred on. I’ll do better next time.

Week 1: October 15 – 19

Wednesday the 15th (yes, a long time ago) was a day of stupidly and salty attitudes. We were scheduled to move rooms within the same hotel but since the world is ran by fucking idiots; we had to pack all our stuff in the van and sit on top of each other. After a mind-numbing day of work, we drove to the same hotel and moved back in. I now have a real bed and it’s an amazing luxury really. I’m sure we ate something shitty for dinner since a lot of our food was sacrificed in the “move.”

Thursday morning I walked into my office and got punched in the face by the smell of onions. While lying under my desk during a random Earthquake drill, I found the culprit and proceeded to yell at it like an insane person. I got called a boy for the first time and I tore him a new one. Who knew I’d be so mad.

Friday I got locked out of my office, watched Kevin Hart stand-up videos at work all day and ate my first meatball sub.

Saturday I froze my ass off before the sun rose at mile 17 of the Kansas City Marathon. My duty was to make sure no runners got hit by cars and to cheer them on as they passed. I almost lost my life and fought a man for these crazy ass runners- give me a damn medal. Kwesi and I won a film festival in Michigan and I didn’t get to hear the speech I was promised to hear but they’ll be more, hopefully. It was also apparently Sweetest Day- I’m not sure what the hell it is or supposed to be. All I know is that my mom used to buy me pajamas and cook me breakfasts on this day.

Sunday I went to Ace Hardware with Alex (she used to work there) she was the happiest I’ve ever seen her. I wore a safety jacket the whole day because I was traumatized about almost being flattened the day before. Gaugin made super salty chicken for dinner and everyone was dehydrated after the first bite.

Week 2: October 21- 26

Tuesday the 21st I decided to start drinking coffee in hopes that I could start defecating like a normal person. It hasn’t started working yet so now I’m going to have stained teeth for nothing. My office was soon after ransacked by 7 large men who all looked much better before they opened their mouths. They busted thru everything like they were looking for drugs but they were just looking for a single manila folder. It probably had information in it that I could have used to overthrow the federal government but I’ll get it next time. A lady shaved her legs naked in the sauna next to me later that night. She said it’s the best shave she’s ever had but all I could think about is what else she would have shaved if I wasn’t in there and how much hair I was sitting on.

Wednesday I got free pizza!

Thursday there was an office wide Chili contest and someone dressed up in a popcorn costume. She got third place because popcorn makes good Chili. I made Alex shave my neck to fix my hairline in the middle of the hotel hallway- short hair is hard in times like these. I was walkin’ around looking like a damn fool with my fucked up hairline. I put anonymous underwear in Jeaneans microwave- she found it while she was trying to make tea. I was hoping to start a prank war but she decided to just throw it at the boys which I supported.

Friday Jeanean tried to poop at the same time as me and I ran outta the bathroom. We had an open dialogue after she was done about all the reasons that was not okay. I flew to Florida after work to visit my sister Lynsey, who is interning at Disney World. They tryin’ to play mother fuckers on that plane though- DO NOT ask me if I want the free pretzels OF COURSE I WANT THEM. Every person on the plane wants the damn pretzels they shed out $400 for. I also ate the best 4 inch $7 pizza I have absolutely every eaten in all of my existence.

When I arrived in the sunshine state I was met by my dad and his friend Jerry (I refer to them as my two dads- they’re not gay but they should be). The three of us stayed at the All-Star Disney Resort where I chose to sleep on the floor because lord knows I am not sharing a bed with my father. Lynsey lives in housing provided by Disney which doesn’t allow outside guests to stay past 11- Fun Fact. I kept my hair hidden in my hood until they asked to see it- they were scared and I knew it.

Saturday morning I almost got my head smashed in by the maid who tried to enter the room at 7 a.m., I guess that’s what I get for sleeping on the floor. She apologized and sprinted away leaving her cleaning cart behind which made no sense. Lynsey called off work so all four of us decided to go to Daytona Beach after seeing how packed Universal Studios was. My dad went to Daytona for Spring Break in 1982 and proceed to tell us many times how everything looked different and older- no fucking shit. He also told us that you’re allowed to drive your car on the beach which I didn’t believe but ended up being true. Lynsey took at least 100 pictures of shells and I had a long island before noon so we both labeled it a good day. That night we went to Dicks Last Resort which is a restaurant where the servers are rude to you on purpose. The food sucks but I guess you pay for the experience which is weird because I could go to Walmart and get it for free. My father and Jerry didn’t like it but it’s probably because they were the ones paying.

Sunday we all went to Hollywood Studios and my dad almost shit himself on the Hollywood Tower of Terror, which arguably may have been my fault. He apparently didn’t know what the ride was or that it dropped- he thought it was one where you just rode around and looked at things like all the baby rides at Disney. It was amazing. We did the usual things after that like: almost falling asleep on The Great Movie Ride, riding the Rockin’ Roller Coaster, seeing Indiana Jones, eating lunch at the drive in restaurant, blah blah blah. Around 3 we went to EPCOT which was the sole purpose of why my Dad and Jerry went to Florida. It was the Food and Wine Festival where you can drink and eat from tons of countries around the world, way more than usual. I too used to intern for Disney so the “drinking around the world challenge” is nothing but to my counterparts, it was a failed mission- they made it half way. Buncha pansies. The Los Lonely Boys performed that night and they played the song Heaven for 15 minutes because it was the only song people knew. I wore a “Birthday Pin” that said the name Emily on it and all day and I ignored anyone who said something to me about it on accident. Whoops. My dad said he wanted to “Sha-boogie” that night, thankfully that didn’t happen.

Week 3: October 27- November 6
(This week has more than 7 days)

Monday we went to Animal Kingdom (which is my favorite park) and Magic Kingdom (where I used to work) and it was like any other Disney experience- I’ll save you the word count. We did however go to The Rainforest Café and I got a free birthday cupcake.

Tuesday morning I awoke to a $23 McDonalds breakfast and two birthday cards from my mother. Yes, $23. I flew back to Kansas City where a lady stood in the aisle the whole plane ride and no one gave a fuck. After I landed I got an awkward phone call from my mom about a letter I received at my home address from Planned Parenthood- oh joy. I assured her I was not pregnant and there was nothing she needed to worry about but she made me say it 10 more times just in case I decided to change my story. Vacation time never seems to last- I wish it was more like microwave time.

Wednesday the 29th I went back to work just in time for it to be my 23rd birthday. According to one online article, 23 is the worst year of your 20s because it’s the year that “allegedly” everyone tries to figure their life out. I think it’s secretly because of the Blink 182 song and the subliminal messaging but we’ll go with what everyone thinks for now.

Friday I had the worst Halloween imaginable- I sat at home and watched stupid shows on TV because no one wanted to go do anything. Cabs cost way too much to go anywhere alone so I had to opt out. I think I went to be at 9 because I’m a 6 year old.

November started off on a charitable note as we gleaned vegetables (mostly turnips and mustard greens) which were to be given to people in need. We went to BDubs for lunch where I drank multiple long islands and ate my weight in chicken wings. Emily, Dwight, and I went and seen Gone Girl at 10:40 which made us late for our 1 o’clock curfew and we got written up.

The next morning, feeling like a kindergarten rebel, I decided to eat pizza and break my no pizza rule. It was a glorious time. I got instant Karma soon after because none of my laundry dried. I had to lay it out all over the hotel room because my ass was not about to pay another $2.

Monday I watched CatDog and Tuesday I decided the show used to be much better.

Wednesday I opened the most exciting white box that had ever been addressed to me. Inside this glorious package was a golden wiener-dog tape dispenser and a mug with my initial on it- if those two things don’t make me a young professional I don’t know what does. Margi (my cousin/ not cousin/ it’s complicated) also got me a gift card to BDubs. Homie is lookin’ the fuck out for her girl. And! There was a new Bobs Burgers to watch on Hulu which made for a great day at work.

Thursday I proceed to play with tape all day.

Friday we ate tacos, Alex put ice cubes in my shoes and I went on the most exciting trip to Whole Foods imaginable.