Sorry for the delay- please stop yelling at me. I’ve been trying new foods and sitting in Saunas all week. Here’s a quick recap of last week:

Monday was a day full of excitement and joy- I sharpened 30 green pencils at work and listened to sad songs that made me want to lay on the floor. It was my first “arm day” and I drank Gaugins pre-workout powder and almost threw up. It’s like legal crack. I’ve never ran so fast in my life and probably never will again.

Tuesday I ate a salad with a spoon and two fiber gummies. Let’s just say I noticed where they need to touch the bathroom stall doors at. The custodian also told me that I needed to start peeling my hard-boiled breakfast eggs in the kitchen because I make too big of a mess all the time- but then he laughed. Since he laughed, I’m gonna push it and keep doing it at my desk- yolo. Worse he can do is take away my trash can again but we all know who will win that battle. I watched a weird amount of Mariah Carey music videos this day and I only regret it a little.

Wednesday I witnessed one of my vanilla sister’s homie-hop. She is the reason why Chris Browns song Loyal became most men’s living anthem. I give her props though- her shoes were on point.
At work they announced over the PA system (which I’ve never heard them use before) that there was a food truck out front- welcome to America the obese.

Thursday I ate cold beans because one of the other team leaders was posted up in the break room and he’s a dick head. The Red Wings won and I went to half-off boneless day at BDubs so it was a good day in my book. While there I scared an old man half to death with my yelling- it smelled funky afterwards so I think something happened to him when fear struck. Dwight, Sondra, and myself discussed how we all don’t like the program very much because it doesn’t offer what is promised and all we do is think of ways not to kill ourselves (not true). This trend seems to hold true to everyone who is in the program that I talk to so don’t do it unless you like self-torture.

Friday I hung out with bitchy teenagers as I accompanied some of my teammates to a local High School for a recruiting event. I was told not to talk because they said I would be to “real” and we’re supposed to lie to them so they’ll join. I’m also a proud member of two gyms- this one has a sauna and bunch of very secure naked old women. I’ve seen so many saggy titties these past few days that I’m starting to worry about mine. Their bodies are also (not that I look on purpose) groomed in very interesting ways.

Saturday night Dwight and I went and seen The Red Bastard which is a one man improv show in West Port. The main concept of the show was supposed to teach us about life as we know it. They made people tell their fears and dreams out loud and we learned that most people are afraid of their fantasies, someone does’t love their significant other, a pregnancy was confessed, that one guy just wants to be alone (his wife was pist) and a bunch of random shit. I got dared to lick an old man’s ear while he had his pants down- I completed the task and took one for the team. I soon feel into a shame-spiral but only for a quick minute. At the end The Red Bastard took off all his clothes and he had a micro-penis, it was scary.

Sunday I went to Zumba and my whole body had dry mouth. My water was mixed with wine and I hated myself for it. Our instructor was the most fabulous gay man I have ever met and I loved him dearly. Most of the songs were Halloween themed and he let me scream whenever I wanted- a man after my own heart.
Later in the day Alex and I ordered pizza from the same company but from two different locations on accident. We had to go on an hour journey to get both pizzas. I then told the front desk that she ate toilet paper so I got my payback.

Thank you Christopher Columbus (even though you’re an asshole) for the day off of work on Monday. I went to my least favorite place in the world- the mall. A few months ago Kwesi (my man) cut a hole in the ass of my pants when he was trying to open my pocket, so I figured it was time for new ones. I bought two pairs which doesn’t seem like a lot but when you’re living out of a suitcase and they’re thick as shit, it’s a problem. Alex and I spent some quality time in Brookstone getting a foot message in a chair that looked like it came straight off a rocket ship. It was the highlight of my day.

Tuesday I showed off my 7th grade basketball skills and helped cook the team chicken for dinner.

Yay.