The only note I wrote down for last Sunday says, “If you drink enough vodka, it tastes like love.” On a dumb night that makes stupid sense, so I’ll leave you with that and move on.

This program has left our pockets skinny and our wardrobe dated so the topic of “Sugar Babies” has come up at least 3 times this week within my team. For those of you who aren’t aware of what that is- it’s when a young lady hangs out with an old fuck (who’s probably married) who funds them in return for “company.” You can interpret that any way you please. We’ve even gone as far as watching documentaries about it- shits intense. There’s a 22 year old gal who has made over $300,000 from this arrangement. Don’t worry, I’m not considering it but your welcome to anyone who didn’t know about it and is about to make stacks from it. There’s even an app for your convenience.

My mom was drunk in Vegas on Monday goin’ buck wild with hairy men in speedos. She wasn’t a fan of the men but she sure as hell was lovin’ the dranks. I love when parents are drunk- they say the shit you know they wish they could say when sober because they have a list of stuff that just flies outta their mouths. If you ever need to feel good about yourself as a human, just get one of your parents drunk (two if your feelin’ risky) and your self-esteem will go up at least 20%. If your parents are angry drunks, just get yourself wasted so you can blame them for your issues.

I went for an exciting stroll on Monday and ran into large tipis and shuttle-cocks. Yes, the kind they use in badminton. Apparently these two objects matter enough to KC for them to make multiple massive statues, I don’t understand why. You could sleep a family of 4 comfortably in one if they were all within a healthy weight range. I’d live here if I was deprived of a home- shower in the fountains and live in the tipis. The good life awaits.

Wednesday was the day the world cried along with 8 souls. It was moving day and it was raining. We threw all our acquired junk from the past 4 weeks into the van and packed ourselves in tighter than a fat man’s new lap-band. Our new location is terrible and I “literally can’t even.” There’s a Wal-Mart, Panera, Hooters, and a BDubs in walking distance but that’s the highlight of the area. We went from being in the heart of the city to an area in Kansas where people wear no bras and Uggs to the store- not okay. This ESA also thinks that only skinny people should be able to use the cooking vicinities by the looks of the layout. Cooking on the stove is a task that you feel accomplished after completing and the whole time that you’re struggling, the fridge is also trying to penetrate your “back door.” Not a pretty picture but it’s the truth and the truth ain’t always pretty- read that on a milk carton once (not a joke) apparently there weren’t any missing children that month. They also booked us in rooms that only have one bed because that makes a ton of sense. We aren’t “allowed” to share beds so I sleep on a pull out couch while Alex is in a California King (Which she rightly deserves because she slept on a cot willingly for a month). Dwight chooses to sleep on the floor in his room because he refuses to adapt to the cot life. John came in and disrupted our bathroom after move-in and it smelled for 3 hours because they don’t have fans. We made a new rule that men aren’t allowed to violate our toilet, which I think is fair. Living in a hotel is not as fun as the Disney Channel made it seem- there are a lot of weird noises and the dryers never actually dry your clothes even though you pay $2 for them to do one job.

Jeaneans 23rd birthday was also on Wednesday so we celebrated by going to the mall food court for lunch, PARTAY. Malls encompass a lot of things that I hate: large groups of pre-teens, clothes, escalators, visors, and the smell of Axe. Chipotle was in the food court to save the day though- which is like a hug from your mom after she slips you a Xanax. For the record (since my family reads this) that has, to my knowledge, never happened but I imagine it to be pretty great.

Thursday I determined that I’d rather never eat carbs again than ever work with FEMA for longer than the duration of this program. I watched a whole season of Silicone Valley (which I recommend) and had contact with maybe one person the whole 8 hours I was there. Damn Government.

Since the move Gaugin and I now have a 30 minute ride to the gym one way. We get lost EVERY TIME we try and return home, one day we’ll get it right. While trying to navigate home we have talks about how neither of us would ever exchange body fluids with a Royals Fan and how he still has ample energy even though he’s on a no carb diet.

On Friday’s there is always a lady in the bathroom speaking loud Spanish on the phone and I don’t understand why. Maybe she gets free long distance on that day or maybe she uses salty language on Fridays and wants to hide it. It was also the first day I started my lifting routine at the gym and it was leg day. It made my skin crawl but no pain no gain. I was in at 8 pm this night which hasn’t happened since kindergarten. I hated it.

Saturday Alex and I moved rooms because there were ants coming in from the window of her bedroom and she ain’t for that life. We did it in a record breaking 20 minutes, holllla. The team and I all ventured out to a festival that ended up being only one block so majority voted to go back home, I was not pleased. Gaugin, Dwight and I went to the BDubs by the ESA and got our drank on while we watched multiple football games. We were in by 10 this night. I hated that too.

Sunday was a day of pure devastation. The Tigers lost and I flooded the kitchen with chicken water. I can’t even bring myself to elaborate on that subject- all you need to know is that it was a confusing time for me.