After hitting the snooze button a few times, I greeted Monday morning with a big FU and rolled outta bed. In an attempt to sufficiently “get things done for America” I loaded my tea up with arguably more creamer than water and set off into the world. Monday mornings around the office are quiet, everyone either comes in at 9 or not at all. I don’t know why I was surprised; I must have forgotten where I was. The only task Anita and I were assigned to complete today was to wipe little dry-erase plaques clean. Took all of an hour but I convinced my supervisor it was more than okay and that we could entertain ourselves. I chose to amuse myself with The Price is Right, research about pandas, and more flip-books. My garbage can has disappeared; I don’t think the custodian appreciated where I published my last flip book, so as punishment he took away my trash privileges. Now my only option is to display them on the walls. I have a feeling my trashcan will reappear soon.

I ate Gaugin’s amazing tuna salad for lunch and it made my whole office smell. After receiving some interesting looks as people walked through, I starting pointing to Anita (secretly) so I’m sorry to her for that. We’ve been having some forced quality time and I’ve started to notice things about her. For one, she makes tons of phone calls so I’ve started a tally of how many times she says “um” while on them, she ended the day with 35. She also hums a lot, her favorite of the five senses is taste (I thought it was touch), and she talks to herself. She also informed me that today is Mooncake Day which is a Chinese Holiday. Her, her family, and the rest of China indulge in mooncakes, drink tea, and look at the full moon. It’s also called the Mid-Autumn festival, look it up and educate yoself.

I purchased a gym membership that was two weeks’ salary (not a joke and it’s not an expensive gym) – this means for 14 days I will be forced to sneak alcohol into bars and/or put some effort into my appearance when I go out. Kanye was obviously not talking about me when he said that white people get money don’t spend it- I’d much rather buy 80 gold chains and go ign’ant too Mr. West. Word on the street is that the first mile is the hardest when running, I call bullshit. From the second I start running the only thing that consumes my mind is when the fuck I can stop and the phrase, “my body is my machine.”

Ate fish for dinner, still not sure how I feel about it.

Tuesday surprised me with a shiny new trash can, whatchu know ‘bout that. Sandra 1 – Government 983 million. Feels good to win one for the team- you’re welcome. I also discovered that they sell Klondike Bars here for only 75 cents, what a #blessing. The list of things I would now do for one has been narrowed down to just one thing: pay 75 cents. The excitement from this discovery was quickly shattered when Anita and I were told we had to take rosters and manually put them into spreadsheets. The database spits one out (probably) in less than two-minutes, but we both smiled and put our feet to the pavement. I tried to prank call Anita’s desk phone but apparently there’s caller ID. The government obviously doesn’t believe in fun.

Are you aware that the first stall in the restroom is usually the cleanest? According to Anita that is, but she spends a lot of time in there so I’ll take her word for it. I found the need to share this with a random after she finished dropping the kids off at the pool, or for all intents and purposes: takin’ a crap. I figured I had already made her feel uncomfortable enough, so I opted out of giving her a high five for getting paid to dispose of her waste- which is the best. It’s also funny when people are pooping and as you walk in they all of the sudden become silent. I see your heals honey, I know you’re in here; go on wit cho bidness please.

Tuesdays we are required to do at least 45 minutes of PT (physical training) so I chose to do blogilates. I had to quit after the warm up, the instructor came at me wearing heals and a full face of makeup. With every move she also make sexual moaning sounds, pretty sure men can use this video for other purposes- John has started doing it with his shirt off. A text came across the screen at one point telling me to “think like a Pussycat Doll” nah bitch, bye. I’m strictly going to the gym from now on, no heals are allowed there.

Wednesday I woke up late, got to the van late, and was forced to sit in the back seat. The back is a dreaded place because as you bounce around for the 15 minute drive, you not only have to focus on not vomiting but also on not spilling your hot bev. It makes monitoring the morning social media updates difficult and I often “like” shit that I shouldn’t be “liking” and that’s always awkward. This morning I got an email from my mother telling me to check-out her new theme song- it was Alicia Keys. That was unexpected. I was hoping for some OutKast or 50 cent- It would really surprise people if she walked into a place with “Candy Shop” playing.

I had to call Support Services to hook up a printer to my computer which I did not properly prepare for. Next thing I knew, an old fella located in Texas had full visibility and control over my PC. I quickly asked if he could really see all of my windows/ background/ sticky notes (computer version) that I had up, he said, “Sure can my dear.” Instantly I started laughing and warned him I had been jotting down rap lyrics and that I didn’t expect him to actually be able to see anything. Some of the visible ones on the main screen included, “I’m not going to drink his daycare; you’re a fake fuck like a flesh-light; my best birth control is leaving the lights on (RIP Joan Rivers); and you’re stuck on stupid.” I did have an amazing game of solitaire up that he complimented me on, kinda proud of that I guess. He has a dog and I’m an aspiring dog owner so it all worked out in the end.

Anita ran into the office shortly after this looking very distressed and yelling, “Someone used my first stall AND they clogged it!” She sat in silence for a few minutes; I didn’t know if I should have hugged her or left the room. She and I had our first Blackberry one-on-one training session with a man who claims to be religious, adores Blues music, and is on match.com but really loves his wife. This is a confusing world. There was no reason both of us were doing the training and no reason it lasted 2 hours. This nice gentleman has had his phone since July and didn’t know how to dial numbers or send a text message. He said he was team iPhone which I guess is respectable. I dropped mine out of the van face down onto concrete today. Made me re-think religion for a second when I picked it up without any cracks or chips. Not everyone is meant for this naked phone life- I think I’m pretty good at it.