This work week although short- made me want many beers and banana nut muffins. Which cannot happen because I’m trying to “get it right, get it tight,” as Bubba Sparkxxx so eloquently put.

Tuesday started off on an interesting note as the van was lit up with Taylor Swift remixes while being chauffeured to work. I got assigned to the training department in the office, so for the next 20 weeks I get to teach government employees (who are making huge decisions about our countries welfare) how to use basic technological equipment. This includes but is not limited to: blackberries (that they’ve already had for months), iPads, computers, all Microsoft office products, and facilitate other workshops as needed and/or request by employees. I do, however, get to create video content for said trainings and produce a larger documentary about the ways in which the departments work in the Regional Office. Really getting things done for America with this one folks. Before I can get to any of that, there is a bunch of data input that Anita and I have to put into the system. We are taking sign in sheets from past presentations, and giving employees
credit for staying awake. It’s not so bad, except for the fact that I’ve met Kindergarteners with better penmanship than most of these blokes. It’s like trying to do a crossword puzzle after you spilled Irish coffee on it -I don’t know how these people function in society. With every Daniel whose name is actually Fredrick, I’m tempted to deny the mass majority credit and attach a sticky note telling them to pick up a jump-start book from the toddler section at Toys ‘R’ Us. This is layover work from a division whose job it is to do this, but for some reason couldn’t find time to do in the past 3 months. Ron Swanson would be thrilled by all of the governmental work that is not being done in a timely manner, or even at all. There was a full blown baby shower thrown today in the break room by my desk for almost two hours. Two-fucking-hours of hearing women laughing and crying from all of the wonderful games, presents, stories, and punch that was being consumed by their vicious bodies.

Back to the fun stuff- I have unlimited access to a vast wonderland of office supplies. I’m talking highlighters, pencils, pens, note pads, sticky notes, tape, weird shaped objects with sticks on them, staplers, you name it- they’ve got it people. It’s amazing really, I find myself wandering there multiple times a day just to spin around in circles and contemplate the possibilities of it all.

My desk is essentially a 180 degree granite countertop conveniently placed next to a sliding door that opens to reveal a large flat screen television- really hit the jackpot with that one. On this day I watched a Cops marathon and The Price is Right, which I plan on doing like clockwork. Although, Drew Carey is no comparison to Bob Barker, talk about a downgrade.

My poison oak has successfully spread to every area of my body besides my feet and nah-nah zone (thank god). So, I got taken to the doctor again. Yes, taken to the doctor. Every time I go I have to be accompanied by John (my TL) for what reason I’m not sure- but I’m sure there’s a one. This time I got two shots in the love-handle and another prescription. Which leaves me to wonder at what age do they stop going for the arm or booty? I feel like they just pick somewhere on you that they want to get a peek at and go for it. As long as this shit leaves- I guess they can poke me anywhere…

Thursday was Beyoncé aka Queen B aka Sasha Fierce aka Mrs. Knowles-Carter’s birthday- so you know I woke up extra flawless this day. I tried to play the “ I can’t work today it’s Beyonces birthday, which should be a national holiday” card but the Federal Government don’t play that shit- whata shame. One day though- it just may be. All mail will cease, Walmart’s will close, and the streets will rejoice with men in stilettos workin’ it better than anyone ever knew they could, it will be great.

The air conditioning wasn’t working- by lunch I knew when someone was about to walk thru the door because I could faintly smell them coming. This was surprisingly beneficial because it gave me just enough time to turn my chair so it wasn’t obvious I was watching I didn’t know I was pregnant, while working. That show is so ridiculous. Equally as ridiculous is when someone has their own picture on their phone case. You’re telling me you paid a ton of money to look at yourself, when you could have just purchased a pocket mirror at your local CVS? Why not a burrito, waterfall, orangutan, Kim Kardashians infamous crying face, your child, or literally anything else on the planet? It just isn’t cute- please spare society and just stop. End of rant.

In order for our computers to work, our ID needs to be inserted into the side of them. To get anywhere in the building, we need our ID to open the doors. This is a very problematic issue in my life. I often find myself locked out and praying for Anita to hear my cries as she jams out with her headphones on, listening to god knows what. I took the measure of putting a reminder sign on the door- so far so good.

P.S.- John Shughart farted while doing blogilates with Anita and Jeanean and he doesn’t want you to know about it.

Today is apparently “Red Friday” which means that on Sunday there’s a Chiefs game. There were people, at 7:30 a.m., running up and down the street with flags, turnt the fuck up. They also chose 50 fountains to turn “red” but it very much looks of a Pepto-Bismol pink. It did look significantly darker on the ride home though- props for that.

Anita and I have since finished all of the data input so we really did nothing of significance today. I watched The Price is Right though you best believe. A little bit of CSI, watched some music videos, wrote some press releases, looked up places I can run away to, built a flip book then ripped every page off and stuck it to the outside of the garbage can. Doing big thangs for the government today- starting to fit in with everyone else around here. I think that the hardest working person in the building is the custodian. I’ve never seen him not cleaning- he stays strapped with a vacuum that he wears like a leaf-blower at all times.

Alex set the fire alarm off while cooking some bomb-ass pasta for dinner.

Stay Flawless my friends, it’s the weekend 😏