First, I’d like to apologize from the bottom of my cattywampus heart about the delay of this blog. I know y’all have been on pins and needles waiting on the release of this pertinent information about my ever exciting life. It’s been quite the month and I do have a lot to share but let’s face it, I don’t remember everything that has happened over the past month (not only because of alcohol but also because I’m human) the point being, this is going to a very fast overview of random occurrences that I remember, or for some reason find to be important. Future posts will be filled with copious amounts of useless information that I hope you’ll love, so get ready.

The beginning of my journey started with a 12 hour car ride, accompanied by my father, in which we ate subway and watched Trailer Park boys- engaging in little to no conversation, but why break tradition? Around 7 p.m. we landed in a very nice hotel that conveniently had a shuttle to the airport in the a.m.- props for that dad. Morning came and I drove Wilson (my car) an hour west to Vicksburg, Mississippi. Now, Vicksburg is a quaint little place with a Walmart, 3 bars, and one mall that really isn’t even a mall. It’s the kind of mall you go to when there is an hour left before Christmas and your ass didn’t get your mother-in-law a gift, or so I’ve heard. I rolled up to campus to find no one. I swore I was in the wrong place. I expected hundreds of smiley annoying 20-something year olds to be lining the road waving and cheering as I pulled up- but I got none of that. After parking my car and wandering into a building that looked like it should have been on the cover of a political magazine, I found the faces I was looking for (a lot less annoying and bubbly than I imagined and I was thrilled) and got my room key, sleeping bag, mess kit, then headed to my dorm.

The next two-three weeks were survival of the fittest. We had awesome (pointless) training sessions, ate wonderful (disgusting) catered food, learned how to drive 15 passenger vans, went thru sex education (a real banana was used), started having to wear our uniforms, and had the dreaded drug test. I passed and succeeded with flying colors- yes mother, even the drug test.

But let’s back up- every morning before we start a day of training we line up in rows- by team- in uniform. A little man with a megaphone yells “Gulf” in which we reply back in a yelling fashion “Ready to serve!” and then the 175 of us repeat the pledge. It is very militaristic and makes me question what the hell I’m doing with my life. There’s so much singing and fist pumping and smiling involved so early on- it’s hard for me to be even the slightest but amused. Especially since I don’t drink coffee and hate everything about being up before 7 a.m.

I should probably also explain that our campus is broken up into 3 Units. Summit, Bayou, and Gulf. Each Unit is then broken up into 5-7 teams. The teams correlate with what role you and your team are. I am Gulf Team 5- which is a Field Recovery Task Force Team where I am an External Affairs Reports Specialist. It really means nothing but damn will it look good on paper.

We are going to skip to week 4, please forgive me. This week we went to Oxford, Mississippi, to participate in a ropes course that was supposed to help initiate team bonding. There was zip-lining, trust falls, balance exercises, wall and pole climbing. I did a lot of praying this day and I don’t really pray. All of the harnesses we wore were met by a skinny little guy at the end. I had no faith in them that when I free fell to the ground, they would be able to hold me weight. But here I am, so apparently I’m just an asshole. I speculate that it is around this time that I got the poison oak I am STILL trying to get rid of. Shit is terrible.

Week 5 greeted us with FEMA Academy. This is essentially what we had been waiting for since week 1. Here is where we received all of the training we would be using for our specific job and role for the rest of the program. Since I am the only EA person on my team, I was able to train with people from other teams and campuses. I was thrilled to be away from my group because I will now be living/ eating/ shitting/ crying/ breathing/ drinking with them for 10 months- so it was good to have a week away from them. This is some extreme Real World shit without the cameras. It’s going to get weird, wild, and hopefully awkward and I’m going to tell you all of it.

The people on my team are:

John: He is the team leader. He’s from Orlando, Florida. He went to FSU and wears a lot of collared shirts.

Dwight: From Capital Heights, Maryland. Always smells good. Has a boo-thang from Nigeria that I can’t wait to talk to.

Gaugin: From Philly and won’t ever let you forget it. Like’s to drink, which I appreciate.

Anita: Grew up in Rhode Island, went to school in New York. Tells people she’s from New York so I don’t know what to take from that.

Jeanean: From California. She once got a brick for a Christmas present, there was $15 taped to it.

Alex: From Up-State New York. She just got engaged and has only been to NYC twice which I don’t understand.

Emily: From Virginia but lived in Hawaii for the past year. She likes to buy a lot of striped sweaters and loves Tumblr. Also been a vegetarian for 15 years.

Karen: She left the program. RIP. She was legit. Moral of the story- always lie to the government about drugs.

We completed FEMA academy and graduated on Friday the 22nd in which we celebrated by going out like we always do.

Random things you should know:

1. I no longer drink pop. Even though there may or may not be one in front of me right now.

2. Each person is allotted $4.75 for food on any given day. Together as a team that is $299.25. We use that to eat for the week- breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We usually eat sandwiches for lunch and cook dinner together as a team. (It’s not as bad as it sounds)

3. As a team we are given $15 a week for laundry- its $2 a load. Not sure how that one is going to work.

4. I went to New Orleans. I truly do not know how anyone can live there or even be there for more than 4 days. You literally have to change the way you function as a human being even for the weekend. We stayed at a really awesome hostel in which I hope to return to.

5. I have lots of friends because I’m sure you were wondering.

6. Everyone in the program got shiny new laptops and blackberry’s. Thank you for your taxes people.

7. You as readers need to be aware that FEMA does whatever the fuck they want- when they want. We as Corps members are supposed to be okay with it and there is even a term for it- “FEMA Flexible”, buncha shit. It’s pretty much just a safety net so they can do crazy things and we’re obligated to be super happy about it- most of the time I don’t care, but sometimes it’s a pain in the ass.